Twitter TL: “I’m personally not proposing to any man as I barely desire a date let alone marriage. However, women can propose if they choose to.”
Kept on scrolling. Next tweet from the same person was a RT of this blog post. I kind of already knew what kind of comments were going to be in the thread, but I like to torture myself. A lot of bible talk accompanied by tradition inclined women and men. The ones that inspired me to write this post, however, are the ones that commented on the act being one of desperation. I’ve been called desperate and thirsty when it comes to the quasi relationship I’m currently in; which is not what I deserve according to everyone around me and sometimes even according to myself. But aside from that sentiment, it has nothing to do with what they say makes me desperate or thirsty- I just know what I want (and who walks away from what they want?).
Here are some of ’em:
Alnisa says: Because it sort of “Reeks” of Desperation….that´s what we think as a society…..lol
Sillise says: I would never ever do that. My mom & Dad didn´t raise me like that. It has always been a girls dream. I don´t wanna tell my daughter mommy got on her knees & asked a man to marry me. yuck!
Idella says: In my opinion it doesn’t have to do with God. I think a women to propose to a
man is a very desperate act. It’s like you are putting the man in position he
didn’t want to be in. If he is ready for marriage he would take the step and show the woman what time it is.
Maya says: It screams “I´m desperate, please love me”
Thaddeus says: When a woman proposes to a man she looks desperate and thirsty!
Krissy responds to Thaddeus by saying: Not looks desperate and thirsty, she IS desperate and thirsty…let him do what he´s supposed to do as a man. Geez…#divineOrder
Here are the comments/statements the author makes in his post that caught my attention:
“It is assumed that the person who will do the proposing will be the man. The idea of a woman proposing to a man is something that is viewed as bizarre and unusual. But why? The answer is sexism.”
“We are socialized under patriarchy to view boys and men as active and girls and women as passive. Sexism teaches us that agency is something that is primarily the right and responsibility of men. Men take the lead and women follow. This problematic way of approaching relations between men and women manifests itself in a number of social interactions, a prime example of this being marriage. A woman who steps out of the bounds of these sexist social rules is viewed as not knowing her place. However, the place of any man or woman is anywhere they choose.”
“Why should a woman not take an active role in her relationship if her feelings for her man are that intense? Why should a woman not be the one to propose to the man if her love and, their relationship has reached that level?”
“We are men and women, but we are also people, and different people have different personalities. Not every man is the Tarzan swinging through the trees.”
I don’t see anything wrong with proposing to a man and frankly I do see myself doing it. I know what I want and I don’t want to wait (forever) for him to feel ready. Woman asking = desperate. Men asking = ready. What kind of logic is that? Sexist. Why are some women so stuck on waiting? It’s a patriarchal idea on having control over the perceived lesser sex.
Here is how and why I would do it. I’m in a relationship and depending on the intensity, intimacy, and level of love I feel for this person and depending on the feelings of reciprocity why not ask to make it official by way of marriage? Usually when you ask someone something it’s because a big part of you feels that your request will be granted, right? I wouldn’t plan a grandiose proposal. I’ll just ask when I feel ready. When I feel ready. He doesn’t have to be and I also ask for honesty. This can be his opportunity to tell me he doesn’t see himself with me or he needs time or whatever. We’ll go from there.
One can argue that a man asking is a sign of desperation- I guess just to play devil’s advocate. I disagree with that. The sexist assumption is that women are always ready that’s why many tend to believe in the whole he’ll ask when he’s ready so just wait idea. And like I mentioned before, I don’t like perpetuating stereotypes, so why not challenge the current idea of marriage proposal.
We’re in a new time, an era yet to be defined because everything and anything goes. I as a woman- as a person- want to take as much control of my life as possible and if that includes the time in which I want to marry based on my feelings, then I’m going to ask. How many times has a woman waited for the man to be ready only to find out she’s not the one he wants; that’s he never asked. Then she leaves him and complains of all the time wasted with the guy. If she had only asked him, taken control of her life, “reeked of desperation” just for that moment, she would have saved herself trouble.