Singledom

I’m single. But, I’m currently emotionally and physically and intimately attached to someone. Does that make me truly single or just not available? How does that work? Not sure, but it’s the situation I find myself in right now.

Unlike in an exclusive relationship he has no obligation to me. He doesn’t have to do anything for me or with me that he doesn’t want to. And that is exactly how he is with me. I am seeking him. I am asking him about his availability, his plans, his day,.. He has become a part of me. Nothing soothes me if he’s not there. Beyond his kisses, the sun, the stars- I am with him in every distant space.

How can I give someone up when that person is the only one I want? But since he doesn’t want me and what I have offered him can be taken for granted, the longing hope dies since having everything I cannot give him any of it.

Maybe it’s just me that sees a future with him. Maybe only I see the possibilities of how compatible we are. How it is possible that two people being completely themselves do not see each other the same way?

Considering the reality of things I’m afraid I’ll always be single- or at least the girl that’s there but not worthy enough for commitment. Do I make it that easy? You know, to brush off, to ignore, to be OK without? Have any of you seen this quote (I’m sure you have):

No pierdas tiempo, en quien no lo valora. No pierdas mensajes, en quien no los contesta. No pierdas tu amor, en quien no lo merece.

Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t value you. Don’t waste messages to whom doesn’t answer them. Don’t waste your love on someone who doesn’t deserve it.

The above or something along those lines. You’ve read it, heard it, felt it, believed it, right? I believe in my self enough sometimes to follow through with this sentiment because I know I am worthy of someone’s love. I know I deserve much better treatment than what I am getting from him. But how can I allow someone new to come in when he hasn’t left my heart, my mind, my everything?

Then I think that I should focus on me. Just me. No involvement with anyone. Appreciate me. Get to know me. Be selfish. This is the time when not wanting something gets you what you want, right? Does that make sense?

I guess I’m just not available right now for anyone. Be it as stupid as it may. Not interested. I’m waiting for the impossible. Misery loves company. I get what I put in- well not in this case, but you catch my drift.

#foreveralone on the outside. In my mind I’m taken by an unappreciative person. I’m taken by someone who cares for me part time and I find reasons to believe it’s OK when deep down inside of me I know it’s not. I am not as strong as I make myself to be. I don’t want to be forever alone.

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3 thoughts on “Singledom

  1. mortalgirl says:

    I can somewhat relate. A boy I loved left me because he decided that he wants to enjoy singledom and dates other girlS. I am still here, where he left me. I listen to him talk about his dates, his now wonderful single life with freedom. My heart aches. Every other girl he’s meeting is cute, fun, or smart. It’s as if I am invisible.

    Some days I found myself still waiting around. But there are moments that I wish I can just wake up one day and forget about him so I can make room for someone else, someone who sees me.

    • was checking my stats and realized i never replied to your comment. How rude of me. I’ve come to realize that it’s true what others say- you can’t be friends with an ex (or someone you’ve had history with recently) until you’ve moved on.
      I’m standing alone right now, I’m just afraid of how I’ll react when and IF he calls/texts. can i bare not responding? how long until i do?
      this sucks and that’s the bottom line.

      • mortalgirl says:

        It really does suck. I actually met up with him and my worst fear came true. Everything he said hurt yet he still somehow was able to make me laugh. I have a separate blog about this in case his friends stumble across the other one: http://toyouonearth.wordpress.com/

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