Advice on Advising

Morning Talk Radio.

I seldom listen to it because it gives me a headache. I don’t know about you, but I sit in my car on the 405 heading to West Los Angeles every morning and that’s headache enough for me. To listen to mind numbing topics and radio DJ’s talk about things they don’t know shit about is enough to make me hit the gas pedal and rear-end the innocent person (who’s probably listening to the same coma enducing music and talk radio) in front of me.

I suppose the purpose of such mundane topics are to get people to call in.Β But they make them so general that anyone with the tiniest brain can call in and put their two cents in. Example: radio station fan send an email to get advice on whether she should leave her husband of 13 years who’s been great at everything because she realized that she’s probably never loved him. Callers are chiming in that she may have someone on the side and she just wants to step on where she thinks the grass is greener. The radio DJ agrees with that logic and is instigating that she probably wants to “get piped” by some other macho. And then he goes on saying that it’s so typical of women not to appreaciate a good man. What annoyed me more is that the women DJ’s were also agreeing with that theory: that she might have tasted someone else and her cop-out was that she probably never loved him. Other callers and text messagers were commenting along the same lines. One caller really pissed me off. She said that she should leave her husband and end up with someone who she’ll love but who will end up treating her like crap.

One of the radio DJs actually was on the more reasonable side of the table. She said that maybe she was just trying to find herself. That it might just be that she’s seeking her own happiness just like the woman from Eat Pray Love. I haven’t read that book, but I am reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed (same concept of losing someone who’s been so instrumental in the identifying of oneself and going through a divorce and then choosing to go on a life journey to connect with the self). I’ve always been a believer in the idea of giving advice only if it’s in your domain. In other words, when seeking to give advice be true to your experiences. Speak only of what you know and accept that you cannot, with certainty, say what should be done. Every person is different. Every experience is different. There are altering factors in each individual that can sway the situation or circumstance in any which way. We really don’t know what we would do in any situation until faced with it.

Cross the bridge when you get to it.

I’m happy to say that a woman called in and she spoke from experience. She stressed that she was in a 14year marriage and she wanted to be happy. She divorced and kept her relationship with her ex-huband amicable and in turn they both parted happily. In addition, her kids were happy. I can speak on how the children might feel. My parents went through a nasty divorce (although I’ve heard of worse) and we bore a lot of the greif. My mother however fell out of love and was already experiencing love somewhere else when she spoke with us on what she was planning on doing. Because we were suffering in a loveless marriage we agreed. There was no healthy communication between my parents (there still isn’t) and when that’s the case things get pretty sour.

I wish my parents manintained a healthy relationship. I wish they realized that their pride got in the way of maintaining mentally healthy children. I experienced one occasion in which things might look as if that’s the path they were taking. I was so happy that day. They exchanged hellos and they conversed briefly and I saw what could be. But that was way too short lived. I cannot imagine continuing to live as a child of two people who are married but not in love.

Although messy, I’m glad my parents are no longer together. It’s worth fighting for love and the happiness of one-self. It taught me that staying in an unhealthy relationship is toxic. We were not happy being home; they were always fighting. We were probably in a path of learned behavior- that it’s OK to be mad all the time as long “we stay together to protect the sanctity of marriage” (you see how religion can also be tarnish one’s mentality).

Back to the main topic! These are the kind of calls radio stations should be taking in. Quit perpetuating the “gold digger” image on women. Quit saying: “well i’m sure that if it were the man that was dipping out of the marriage women will be calling him ____ ____ ____.” Women, quit saying that she just wants to open her legs up to someone else. Women, quit saying that she should stay for the kids (I’m glad my mom stopped putting us as the excuse to stay with my dad). Everyone deserves to be happy. If she leaves to find her own happiness she is becoming her ownΒ agent. By her showing herself in that light to her kids, she’s teaching them that they are their own agents too and they deserve to get what they want. She’s also freeing her husband who will get what he deserves from someone who will love him as much.

You see, most, if not all of the calls and messages were from women so this post is directed to women. But the sad truth is that maybe not all listeners are women. There might be teenage girls and boys listening on their way to school, there might be some men listening in too. By women demonizing this woman they are somehow, unconsciously maybe, perpetuating the false attitude and negativeΒ perseption of the woman seeking liberation. Wake up, ladies. We need to be our own agents and take our lives back. If we are not happy, let’s find that happpiness. Once we’re happy (“we” as in man and woman) everyone around us is also happy (and yes, that’s our kids, too). After all of this I guess I have morning talk radio to thank for sparking me to write this post.

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