One Disadvantage of Being Me- Or Is It?

I have always had a high sexual drive. It’s never felt wrong until about recently.

Growing up I spent a lot of time with my grandmother. I spend weekends, school holiday breaks, and vacations with her. She lived with my uncles and throughout time their families and girlfriends. With my uncles being young at the time they had cable channels I would not have had access to at home- and the “black box”.

I was at the cusp of ending primary school and entering secondary school. One day I was flipping through channels and some soft porn was playing. Based on movies that showed partial nudity and having adults around me tell me to look away I felt I needed to look away at this too. But I couldn’t. I kept flipping back and forth to catch a glimpse of what was happening next. I like watching porn.

In order to have me not get yelled at by my grandpa my grandma would tell me to just go watch t.v. in my uncle’s room-¬†the only room not connected to any other bedroom or room in the house- the best room in the house if you asked me. I would go and watch random teenager stuff. But then I would lock the door and find the channel that always had soft porn playing. It was always a woman playing with herself and sometimes there would be another woman joining in. I liked it. I enjoyed it. I began exploring my body and my sexuality.

I lost my virginity at around age 18. I met this guy through a co-worker I met in my freshman year of college. We went out and apparently I was not like any other girl he’d met before. He asked me to go out with him again and I said yes. On our second date he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. He took me out on Valentine’s day and in the back of his Honda Civic we had sex. I broke up with him over the phone about a week later. The relationship lasted a whopping 3 weeks.

To be honest, I’m not ashamed of the fact that I didn’t even know his last name. I’ve always felt comfortable with myself. It was a good while until the next time a had sex with someone else because I had the comfortability of knowing my body and knowing how to please myself from an early age.

However comfortable I am/was it’s not the case now. I have come to question myself so much this last year and a half. The difference is that the desire¬†for sex is not only linked on a physical attraction, but on an emotional level. Sex to me is no big deal as long as we’re both being safe and smart about it. But now I am fully committed emotionally and it just ups the ante in my sexual drive. I have come to feel as if I’m begging for sex. I haven’t come across any other woman who has begged for it. Am I an exception?

The relationship (which shall not have a label) I’m in has been difficult for me in many aspects. I feel disposable at times which is a pretty shitty feeling, I’ve given too much of myself too soon, and I’ve put this guy on a pedestal. It took some time for him to warm up to me and my yearning passion toward him, I guess.¬†After some time we finally¬†surpassed the bases of sexual physicality and got to home plate and in a way I’m OK with that, but I just want to be at home plate, it seems, more often than the other player.

Has the information I’ve been receiving about guys and sex been slightly off? Is he an exception to the rule? What is the rule?

It’s gotten to the point where I’ve gotten upset. UPSET that touching, rubbing, kissing, sucking, etc… doesn’t lead to sex and the box of condoms just sits there unopened!

Is it me? Am I too hypersexual?

I believe sex is an integral part of any relationship and it’s getting to be a total burden on me- thinking that there might be something wrong with me or with him. I just don’t get it. We’ve somewhat talked about it in the past, but I think it’s time to have this conversation again. I need answers dammit… and well, you know what else I need? Yup, you guessed it.

In retrospect, I think because of the personal emotional level I’ve come to reach with him, I have let my sexual inhibitions on the wayside. I’ve never felt more comfortable and compatible. The lights can stay on, there are no side-thoughts of anything while we’re in the moment. The eye contact is not awkward. The position doesn’t matter because I enjoy it every¬†which way.

GAAAHD! what is it?


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