I jumped ship unaware of how cold the waters were going to be. I moved into an apartment and experienced what it means to live alone; it was lovely. I was able to eat what I wanted, decorate how I liked it, walk around how I pleased- nothing was better.
Then I really had to start managing my money. Sometimes ends didn’t meet. Sometimes I had to ask a friend for a hand. I’m lucky to have that friend. Other times I used my credit cards. Long story short I moved in with my mom and share a room with my 19 year old sister a year later. It’s been eight months. I shouldn’t beat myself up for it since like most people I know my age are still at home. But the feeling of failure overwhelms me because I didn’t keep moving forward in my independence; I regressed.
I could have been somewhere else in my life- even with this drawback, but I let other things get in the way. It’s taking me longer than I thought to get back on my feet but I only have myself to blame for it. I am careless. I ride the waves without a purpose. The energy I could use to change the direction of my sails is not being spent well. I am not self-sufficient. I am one of those people that need constant reaffirmation that things will be OK. I need a boost every so often, a reminder that even though I’m feeling like shit I am not shit- that I am a good person and that I have a lot to offer. The problem is that if I don’t have the one thing I feel I need nothing else can make sense- nothing else matters.
How can someone like me, one that has a steady job that can lead to a career, is beautiful (there is never a wrong time to celebrate yourself, dammit), has the support of family, and is educated, be in such a slump? I don’t like my job. I said it. I don’t like waking up weekdays knowing I have to drive into this office and sit and work doing something I don’t care about. I feel really sad living this lie. I don’t know what I want in terms of what brings the money in I just know it isn’t this.
There was a thought that I contemplated for a while: quit and then I’ll figure it out. Am I too old for something this drastic? Can I get a bailout? I’m almost done paying off my credit card debt and I firmly believe this will chip away some weight off my shoulder.
But, what will I do once I’m done getting that monthly “bill due” reminder? I want a house. I think I can get a house. Where though? How close to work? Family? I consider too many people in the decisions I make- maybe that needs to change.
to be continued …