Conversations With The Self

have you ever had three conversations going on in your head all at once? How about four or… 1,000?

You know that little voice inside your head? I have one too and it has a name; BJ. I remember I was around 11 or 12 when I finally decided on a name. It’s like it was yesterday* cue in harp and clouds and a fade out from reality*: I was listening to a CD on my newly gifted boombox and having a conversation with said voice. I got annoyed that I couldn’t address the voice in my head by name, so after much thought I decided on BJ. It’s a girl, by the way.

Blah blah blah. The point of my post is:

Lately I’ve been having thoughts about my future that are not as simple as they used to be. Thoughts on my financial stability, the current situation being the culprit, my status as a long distance girlfriend, the possibility of moving back to my home state or moving further into the Pacific Northwest, marriage (it matters to me outside of religious reasons), kids (would I welcome the change my body will go through?), and the lack of discipline I have on mostly everything I do in my life. I’ll be well into my late twenties by mid this year and that’s also a scary thought. Is it true that your thirties is the hardest decade? What are stats on that? Get them to me. Pronto.

Then thoughts on mundane things float around in my head that BJ desperately wants to address. For example, I set a book reading challenge to 20 books this year. For some stupid reason it’s stressing me out. I also didn’t complete a 30  day workout challenge thanks to my menstrual cramps this cycle. I would have been done this week. I’m also thinking about all the things and places I want to go while I’m living outside California and… I can’t take it!

All these thoughts turn into full on back and forth conversations between BJ and I. Sometimes I have to shake my head to refocus on the task at hand. Sometimes BJ is not even part of the conversation, it’s just me talking to myself. Here’s a recurring one:

am I truly happy in my relationship? I mean if I wasn’t why would I be in it? What if because I’m asking these questions it means that I’m not? If I share these thoughts with him would he understand? I would tell him why I feel this way and at the end of the day I can’t force him to be someone he’s not. I want sweet nothings. He’s … practical? Maybe cheap or selfish. I deserve better. Why can’t I look for better? I feel guilty for thinking this way because he might not even know that he’s doing wrong by my definition. No. Fuck that! He should know how I am based on our talks. But I also should know how he is and it’s just me putting up with it. I never thought I’d be this girl.

here’s another one:

my year on this current job contract is up in 4 months. I have to decide to stay longer (would it be forever?), move to a big city further North or go back home? But what if back home has nothing? Close to home would mean about a couple of hours away or three to four (better than 12 I suppose). I said I wouldn’t ask him to move with me after our last talk regarding my status; I hope he does though. If he doesn’t its a sign- we’re not meant to be. I would love to move to a bigger city. That means more expenses. That means moving to the bigger city expenses. That means I need to have good money saved up. I fucken don’t have shit saved up. I don’t want credit problems- I’ve just cleared that mess up. If he moves with me… what will he bring to the table? Can it work? I really don’t mind being the bread-winner. We work well together. I can see it. I have to apply, interview, get selected BEFORE I start thinking about all of this. Gah! Why am I even… really, girl? I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. In four months.

I’ve felt like I can’t catch a break. It’s constant and incessant. I’m afraid I’ll bring on another anxiety attack with all these conversations. The universe knows I wouldn’t be able to handle that right now.

Como dice mi Nina, “que Dios me libre.”


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