Five Years From Now

Have you ever asked yourself that question? I have and it’s a question my boyfriend and I have gotten into an argument over. The first time it was just an awkward silence after he raised his voice due to getting frustrated at the question. The second time he walked out on the conversation and I ended up getting an anxiety attack. The latter was shortly before I made my move out of state due to my decision to make a career move.

Five years ago I would not have guessed or predicted for myself that I would be living out of my home state, but I am. I would not have thought I wold be in the position to have to make such a decision either. Things happen, people change and adapt, and others, like me – even though afraid of change – are always looking for something different.

It’s almost a year now and I can’t believe I have survived. I say survived because before I made the move I experienced anxiety and was put on mild medication to relieve the symptoms. I was afraid of the changes and I was even more panicked over trusting myself to make it work. Depending on my mood I say that it has been a very fast year or very snail paced one. Regardless, I’ve made it. I can’t say that it has been easy or financially steady, but I am proud of myself.

I consider myself to be independent and self-reliant. I see my boyfriend as such as well. However, we have varying definitions (so it seems) of living comfortably or of success. I want to say he’s a minimalist but I don’t know if he’d agree with that. We’re not complete opposites, but I do feel that he challenges me in my way of thinking and my way of seeing things. His opinions either reinforce my own or they allow me to expand and question. Can I say the same of him? I’m not sure; he seems to be pretty set.

Admitting to how much of a consumer I am shames me. It shouldn’t but it does. I have debt. I’ve cleared it and then allowed it to creep up on me over and over. I wish I was more logical in my spending and it’s something I’m working on. I use the “it’s American of me to be in such a position” excuse. or reasoning, to cut myself some slack – but that’s lazy. I need to practice saying no or perhaps say “maybe”.

Saying “maybe” is what my bf does best. He doesn’t like to commit because “something else might come up”. Oh that bugs me. I, on the other hand, say “yes” too freely and often don’t come through. Most of the time it’s my laziness and when it comes to the both of us it is me failing to convince him to join me. I should adopt the “maybe” strategy.

I love this guy. I see myself with him and I want the rest of my life with him. So, what does the above have to do with five years from now? I’ll tell you…

Five years from now I want to be back in California close to my family living with him and talking about expanding our family. If it’s not in California I want to be where I am and have him move in with me. And if it’s not either then I want to be on my own living my life – accepting that despite all the love I have for him, not being on the same page in terms of goals is something that I can’t change and will not compromise. I don’t want to resent anyone I love for not doing what I want them to knowing that they don’t want to and them not being 100% with it. I also don’t want to blame him for something I could have done without him.

That scares me. Am I self-centered? It is me just knowing what my priorities are and working for them? Is he being too careless with me and my plans? He can change his mind and I can change mine. Nothing is definite in this life except death. I just don’t like the “what if’s” in life when I feel I can control the positive what ifs. For example, I was unhappy in my last job, I was living at home again sharing a room with my 18 year old sister at the time. I was paying a monthly fee to have all my things in a storage unit and I hated it. It wasn’t fun.

Living at home and having less expenses. although a good thing, was driving me up the wall insane. I know that if I wouldn’t have taken this position I would most likely still be in the same place wondering what could have been if I’d taken the job. I controlled that what if and in turn made myself happier. Yes, there were sacrifices, like having to be in a long distance relationship, but it’s not half bad when we both have mutual respect and maintain communicative. For the most part it’s doable. Sometimes it sucks, but … as the worst saying in the world goes: it is what it is.

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