Not sure how I got to this point. If I think about it hard enough maybe I can figure it out. Actually, if I’m honest enough with myself maybe I can write it out.
I thought I was making progress. My mind and thoughts made me believe I was. I was under the impression that I was well on my way to becoming a true Stoic. Today, and maybe the last couple of weeks, have proven otherwise. The actions I have taken, the choices I have made, the advice I have ignored, and the determination to be in control at all times have brought me to failure. I am in a state in which I thought I would never be again.
My state of mind right now is one in disarray. I cannot even begin to start fresh. I am who I was a year ago again. Stubborn with my own self, negligent in how my actions affect those around me. But not really. You want to know why? Because I am fully aware of how this is playing out. I am in too deep into this fuckery of mind that I cannot back away. I thought maybe a day off would ease my mind and maybe this off day would be filled with spontaneity, but alas, I ruined it. I cannot take a fucken joke to save my life, but I will adamantly tell you different. I cannot compartmentalize moments because… I don’t know… I just can’t. Is it ego? Is it just being stupid and stubborn? Can I be fixed?
Just now, I ruined it. Here he comes trying to start a new conversation. And what do I do? I don’t even look his way to fully acknowledge his attempt at conversation. I stay seated at the edge of my bed with my laptop on and typing this stupid blog. What will this get me? Maybe I’m hoping for a true moment of clarity as I write it out – even as it’s happening. I pause between my last sentence and this one to wipe away these tears of frustration and angst. Angst? Am I using that word correctly? Who gives a fuck?
In some hurried attempt for clarity of mind I uninstalled my social media accounts earlier today. What does that even mean? I’m thinking that perhaps all that time refreshing my feeds and mindless navigation of accounts that don’t mean shit or ones that don’t add any value to myself will allow me the time to reflect on myself – on my mental health.
Right now everything is my fault. Hablando se entienden. Pero, I can’t even talk right now. And if I do I feel like a complete idiot because I didn’t want to [talk] earlier. How does that make any sense? You know that saying… takes one to know one? I feel that way about myself sometimes. Like I’m mad, right? or pissed off (for whatever reason) and I blow him off. Then, 10 minutes later here I come with some dumb ass looking face trying to salvage a moment. Then I do it again an hour later… and I think … if someone did that to me I would be all fucken petty about it. I would think… this dumbass… what does she want now? She knows she’s wrong and now she wants my time? So I play this scenario in my head the next time I’m being dumb and I go insane in my own head. I’m acting foolish, I know that, so I don’t bother making the attempt to save anything because I “know” what he’s thinking. But I am continuously wrong. How? How, Sway?
My antics will get old and I don’t know where to draw my own line. So I sit here, writing it all out in hopes that maybe I can at least save myself from my own bullshit.
Nothing new, though. I’m not the firsst and I will not be the last.