Writing Out My Dream(s)

Lucid [ˈlo͞osəd] Adjective. 1. Expressed clearly; easy to understand. 2. Literary: bright or luminous

Dream [drēm] Noun. 1. a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep. Verb. 1. experience dreams during sleep.

Lucid Dream – any dream during which the dreamer is aware that they are dreaming. During lucid dreaming, the dreamer may allegedly be able to exert some degree of control over the dream characters, narrative, and environment.

Every once in a while I experience a lucid dream. I don’t know why, but they are always fun to tell and remember. One of my most recent lucid dreams has revealed and mirrored a lot of what I’ve been going through. Think of it as … part of my continuing metamorphosis. I don’t really want to write about the last dream I had but more about the dream I had in which my Nina was dying. I’ll list the characters in my dream.

  • Nina: my grandma, mi abuelita that doesn’t like to be called Abuela or Abuelita. She’s always said that name was her mom, Abuelita Goya. I spent every summer, weekend, long weekend, etc. with her and learning from her. She’s the one that gave quince minutos mas de dormir three times making it 45 additional minutes. The one that would wake me up with breakfast and the one I would take her cafecito to in her mug. I remember pouring the coffee and then taking it to her and she’d be like: pa’la otra me llenas la taza hasta arriba y caminas mas despacio.
  • Mami: my mom. Mother of 4 girls. She’s selfless and unselfish when it comes to caring for Nina and her girls.
  • Sandy: my oldest sister. The one that can make me laugh and the one I can share the dumbest things with. The first one of my sisters to become a mom and the one that doubtlessly underestimates her hard work as a momma to my two wonderful nieces.
  • Martha: the oldest female cousin, second oldest of all my grandmas 30+ nietos.

This dream was colorful and full of my Nina’s scent- you know that old abuela smell that is unmistakably your grandma’s smell? Yep, that one. Well in this dream I was taking my Nina to the store and on our way back she asks me to take her to the hospital. A bit odd, but I thought that no matter where I go with my Nina I know it’s special and she’s always with a purpose. She ends up checking herself in and in her hospital room I’m sitting crossed legged on her bed. She begins to tell me that she’s known for a while that she’s going to depart this earth and this life and that she’s OK with it. Pero, que le tengo que traer unas cuantas cocitas de la casa. I’m looking at her and noticing the details in that damned ugly green beanie she likes to wear and asking myself why the hell she’s so calm? Tears start rolling out of my eyes and I keep wiping them away telling myself that if she’s OK with this I should too and I should get myself together for her.

When I talk to the doctor she’s explaining everything she’s already explained to my grandma and I keep telling myself to focus because more than likely I’ll be the one to have to tell all of this my Mami. Me dice que hace tiempo noto un tumor y que aun no maligno, es causante de muchos sintomas que han afectado la salud en general. I’m standing there and I look over my grandma and she’s just chillin’ on the bed knitting and whistling softly. The doctor’s voice fades away and here comes my Mami rushing with a look of confusion and desperation. She holds it together as I tell her what the doctor just told me. And even though she wants to talk to my Nina I tell her we have to go; we need to get some stuff from the house to bring to her. She acquiesces and we  drive to my Nina’s house.

The drive was silent. And unlike other dreams, I’m able to move in real time; there is no slowing of movements, no blurry or fuzziness of anything and I’m following traffic signals and look both ways before turning the corner. When we arrive at the house I tell my mom what my grandma wanted us t get and she begins searching for it. The whole time I stand by the doorway observing my mom shuffling through drawers, clothes, and papers. She looks over at my and gives me that look, the are-you-serious-this-is-happening look of sadness. I smirk at her and shrug my shoulders. Defeated by her thoughts she slumps on the edge of the bed and begins to cry slowly covering her face in shame. I walk over to her and tell her it’s going to be OK. I bend down to hug her and clearly, without any doubt she says, “I hate this, Mona. My mom can’t die.” We’re hugging and her chin rests on my head as my arms are wrapped around her waist. Then I posture up and hold her face and tell her that it’s out of our control. That’s when she hugs me, tightly (I felt it, in my body as I slept and knowing this felt so weird), and she begins to sob. Now it’s me resting my head on hers and softly petting her head as I, too cry, silently. She asks quietly: what am I going to do with my days, Mona? Que voy hacer ahora? Mona, what am I going to do with my days?

At that moment Sandy walks in laughing with Martha. Unknowing as to why we were hugging and crying Martha politely steps outside the room and Sandy jumps on the bed in an attempt to lighten up the situation. I tell her that Nina is dying and that we have to be OK with it because she’s okay with it. She starts to cry too, but with an understanding that we have to now look out for our Mami because she’s going to fall apart without Nina. #end

What woke me up was my own sobbing and the feeling of my body reacting. The tears were flowing, I tell you. I look at the time and it’s 8:24am. 24 minutes after I’m already supposed to be at work. I immediately call my timekeeper, still crying. Then I call my boss, still crying telling him that I’ll be in as soon as I can. He asks me if I’m okay and I tell him that I had an incredibly realistic dream about my family. He tells me that I should take my time, but most importantly, am I okay? I assure him that I am and that I’ll see him in a bit.

In a deeper analysis of this dream my boss and I have determined that I have taken an archetype role of wise old woman. The grandmother typically represents the sage, wisdom, etc. I became the mother to my mother. Literally in my dream we switched rolls. And I explained to him what the death of a grandmother means in Dream World: the death of an old self [read: my old self] and the birth of a new self. It’s a telling of how I have come to take control of the things I can and affirm the decisions that come from that control. To be OK with those decisions… isn’t it all crazy? I mean… the change that people go through is not overnight. And I am proof of that. It’s been months that I have been struggling with defining me, and who I am, and wearing the different masks but all in play with my true self and leaving any false selfs in the past. I am maturing in front of my own eyes.

My Nina means so much to me. When I face tough decisions I go to her. I ask her what I should do and she never speaks in terms of finiteness but in terms of not doubting your gut. She’s asked me before… y que te dice to mente? And when I tell her and she usually responds with: entonces no es mal. Si es algo que tu quieres hacer tu sabes lo bueno de esa decicion. Mira, tu sabes que aqui estamos para ti si no te va bien. I don’t know why but I love that as she continues her advice she keeps knitting. She never stops only when I lean in to hug her.

Top 10 On My Playlist

I thought I would go with a fun and simple post today. Here is a list of some of my most played songs, all within the top 20. I wanted to make it top 10, but there were repeat artists and songs from the same album so I decided to go a bit further down the list. I fear my music list will seem outdated or very random, but what’s the beauty of music if it doesn’t transcend time? I’m not an outdated person, or so I like to believe, but I am random. I didn’t have my iPod for over a month – not like it will make a difference – but due to that fact I’ve been on YouTube more often at work and play whole albums or just let the auto-play do its thing.

fav song

#10 I admit there are way better songs that could have made it to my top 10 if Luis Mi was a given, which he is, but this is my most played. What am I supposed to do about it? It makes me laugh only because the beat of this song is so 80s/90s. The lyrics are on point, tho.. “si no supiste amar, ahora te puedes marchar… contigo yo perdi/ ya tengo con quien ganar / ya se que no hubo nadie que te diera lo que yo te di … por eso comprendo que estas aqui”. Like, you didn’t appreciate me, fool. Now be gone! Leave. Here is “ahora te puedes marchar” by one of my all-time male Latin Pop artists, Luis Miguel

#9 Jazmine Sullivan. Oh, this girl! I first heard “Bust Your Windows” and fell in love with her style, voice, and fierceness of the song. Well, I got her album and “Lions, Tigers, and Bears” quickly became a top song for me. Accepting something you know you deserve but past experiences make you believe otherwise? That’s this song right here. Just let yourself be loved, Jazmine.

#8 This song is fucken old, but I played it so much when I first came across it that now every time it plays I let it. Trey Songz has such a beautiful voice. The songs speaks for itself. “Can’t Be Friends” y’all. You just can’t.

#7 This song, “dimelo” by Intocable is timeless. Mendigo, be real with me… me quieres? si no, vete! For real! This is the song that conversation that has been a long time coming in a one-way relationship. When you’ve come to your breaking point and tell yourself: this idiot isn’t the real idiot here, it’s me for knowing he doesn’t feel the same and I’m here prolonging the inevitable. But I still need to hear it- from him. So… dimelo.

#6 Really, based on what you’ve read so far you thought I’d leave out “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac?  I may tend to be overly dramatic when it comes to feels on relationships, but this one is universal. It’s one of those songs that after you break up you want the fool that you left to know that you’re playing it over and over and hope that it sinks in that he was only dreaming when he thought he could be without you. Right? Yea… right!

#5 Emile Sande has such smooth vocals (which can be questionable in the couple of live videos I’ve watched) but this song – by far my favorite and well, it’s the only album I own hers (Our Version of Events). “My Kind Of Love” is not what my kind of love is, but it’s such a different perspective of what I know. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m that stupid, yet sustained love. I like to show my love physically and verbally. So here it is…

#4 OK.. so as I searched for the YouTube link I saw as a search option Fool For You Ceelo Green. I was like… pero que? Well I clicked on it and I’m like HOLY TARDS.. this is from Lady Killer, which I have and damn… I can’t believe I didn’t realize it! I fucken love that song. But, I think it’s a testament to Alice Smith. She kills the song. That passion, whoo! I mean I listen to the song and I just nod along and feel it deep within me. That crazy love you have for your babe, it’s there- in this song. Here you go, Alice Smith – Fool For You.

#3 Pepe Aguilar has always been a huge favorite of mine. As of the last few years I have come to appreciate more of his banda and the style he has that mirrors his late father Antonio Aguilar. But this song… takes me back to when I was in High School and was heart broken over some stupid guy. *deep sigh*. I didn’t know many fans of his that were my age, but here it is.. .”ya para que”

#2 This last album is different than their last, but that’s the point of an artist. They evolve and as a fan you grown with them. From Proaño I give you “de paso”. La letra… “quizas no este de mas por un segundo mirar atras/ ya veras lo que has vivido/ lo que has sufrido / y veras (vida)/ como me has cambiado (vida)/ madre quedate a mi lado/ para siempre”. This song takes you places. The vibe, the chill, the energy… it’s all there in this song. Espero y les guste.

#1 This has become my favorite band as of the last, idk… five years? I found them randomly as I listened to music from Zoe and the like. The song Enemigo caught my attention and I searched for them. They’re from my mom’s home town Fresnillo, Zacatecas so they got a bonus. This is their latest single release from Proaño and damn… his voice captures me and takes me. The lyrics … “terminamos uno con el otro/para volver a empezar … un carino por diez despedidas … eres la prision y la salida/por esta razon deberia dejarte/pero es la razon para quedarme/ aqui” It’s that song you can’t help but repeat when you’re in that bullshit ass relationship that you know is toxic, but you can’t break away.

I hope you enjoyed!

My Love for Jessie Ware

I first heard “Wildest Moments” circa 2012 while browsing music on YouTube. I fell in trance instantly. Just listen to the soothing and melodic tone of Jessie Ware. I went on iTunes and bought her album. No regrets. She recently had another album release and I’ve now come believe she can’t fail.

At first listens I took the song as her talking to someone about how there might be some crazy shit happening in their relationship, but hey, they’re happy and they always pull through the bullshit. After a while, the song wasn’t resonating in that way anymore. I was now seeing a bigger picture. She’s not talking to someone, she’s talking to LOVE. Go, play the song again and imagine love being on the other side of the conversation. (ok, obvio que la cancion puede ser lo que queramos, so… entiendete tu).

You ever have the one artist that takes you back to a certain time in your life and just allows you to forget “the now”? That’s Jessie Ware for me. The song could not have come at a more perfect time.

At the time I heard Devotion I was going through some pretty intense feelings. Yes, it involves a guy. My mind and heart were going at it pretty badly. The album allowed me to feel and accept the roller coaster feels. Should I stay? Should I just bear the temporary tears of moving on and know that I’ll be OK in the end? I decided to stay because who says “No To Love”? And to be honest, it wasn’t that I felt strong mutual feelings from the guy, but I didn’t want to deny my love i.e. not accept that although this might not last, it’s what’s happening now and I just want to be happy. It serves to know that this guy is now the BF. *insert super smiley emoji*

Listen to “Sweet Talk”. Like, c’mon. How can you not lose yourself in the vibes of this song? Listening to it now takes me back to believing I can walk away from the BF (not BF back then). The start of our relationship is less than ideal, but I mean he had that sweet talk. He had the kisses and he kept me up and going.

Now in her album Tough Love… where do I begin? Here is “You and I (forever)”

This is the song used to confess to your boo that he (or she) is the one. The one you see growing old with and share everything with. Call me a hopeless romantic, whatever. I can imagine being on a long drive with the windows down and the sunset creeping in and looking over at Bae and saying, how ’bout it? You and I, forever?

And “Want Your Feeling”? Le sigh. What a heartbreaking song to such a chill ass fucken beat. Here… take it all in.

The love that never was. That love you couldn’t control and make it love you back. Lord knows I can relate to that feeling. If that asshole only saw your worth he could have had it all, right? All I wanted was for him to love me as much as I did. I want his feelings to be about me, for me! Damnit, Jessie! *insert crying emoji*

If you can, if you will, indulge in the essence of Jessie Ware.

Oh, and before I conclude… my sister was jamming out to Nicki Minaj in her car recently and I heard this voice… this entrancing and transcending vocalist and I grabbed the iPod to see if I was right to believe it was my girl Jessie. It was! I hope she gets the recognition she deserves. Here check it out.

And she’s on the Fifty Shades soundtrack too, so I’m sure she’s getting some great exposure. I like the soundtrack way more than the film, which I caved into watching cause the sister paid for my ticket.

Enjoy the music, readers.

xoxo

Love Is A Constant Theme

As of late many of the blogs I follow have been about love. Whether it’s the search for it, living in it, forgetting it, or just appreciating it.

The one that gets me the most is finding it, keeping it, and it loving you back.

I have the love of family, a few friends, but not the love of the one. The love that I want the most, the love I want to feel is elusive, absent, stubborn.

I am in love. I am deep in love. I hate Love for not loving me back. I want Love to engulf me- to treat me the same way- to reciprocate.

My definition is not so different than the universal one. But sometimes I guess my expectations are too high. All I ask of Love is to put itself in the center of me just the same way I have put it at the heart of my being.

I eat at its feet. I breathe its air. And I swim in its water. Am I hopeless? Am I blind to its cruelty?

People say that I’ll find it once I stop searching; once I stop thinking about it. But that’s how I got where I am now. Before I knew it I was already making Love my priority. I was already making Love my only thought- I was deep in a sweet, twisted fantasy. Correction: I AM deep in a sweet, twisted fantasy.

I want Love to say I love you back. Because I’ve said it twice already. Maybe I want Love just to say it doesn’t love me and possibly that will make me walk away. But I am a sucker for the ifs in life.

Love, I hate loving you with so much ardor, with so much tenacity, with so much vigor.

Love, I love that I love you.

Reflexiones en Twitter

No hay peor pecado que provocarle lágrimas a la persona que nos ha regalado sus mejores sonrisas.

Me encontre esta frace en mi twitter y me hizo pensar en las diferentes maneras y razones por las cuales alguien puede hacer a otra persona llorar.

En especifico sobre cosas del amor, o mas bien, lo que habeces pensamos que es el amor. En este momento estoy en una etapa- no, mas bien una fase en mi vida en la cual me estoy esquinando  al fracaso. Me siento estar enamorada, me siento dada al amor; pero como no vivo en un mundo perfecto y my vida no es de telenovela no encuentro fin a mis pesares de desesperacion y mis combates internales de saber que mi amor no es correspondido.

No basta saber la realidad para que me marche y comience una vida nueva sin sentir que el valor de la mujer que soy depende en parte en ser amada por un hombre. El, sabiendo que daria cualquier cosa por el, se detiene al amor. Por alguna razon, que honestamente ni la deberia esperar a escuchar, no se quiere dedicar a mi- a nosotros apesar de tantos momentos comprtidos, vividos, recordados, besos, caricias, alagos, y miradas unicas. Que patetica soy!

Al final de cuentas el unico fruto de esta experiencia seria la leccion de no entregarse completamente y que hay que darle tiempo al tiempo.