My Hair

Sometimes I laugh along with people that seem to think it’s funny that I do not shave my legs or my underarms. I fell like staring at them and asking WHAT THE FUCK IS THE BIG DEAL?

But I get it. I used to be like them (those inferior beings) that bowed to the standards of beauty that have demonized hair on certain parts of the body. HAHA… I laugh at YOU, you lame-ass.

Nah, I’m just fucking with you. But I have come to love myself on another level. I’m fat right now (that’s another blog for another site), and I assure you it has nothing to do with that.

*queue harp music*

It all started when I moved to Oregon… no really, it did. There are some cold ass winters here that my delicate Southern Cali skin barely survived. The first summer I was all about shaving my legs for no other reason than it was the normal thing to do. Then I thought… hey, the BF is not here and I’m cool roaming my house and the streets in my semi-hairy, very prickly legs. Shave, shave, shave! Shave my legs, shave my pits, trim the hoo-ha, and wax them brows. I was all for hair removal. Then that practice started to slow down for various reasons, none of which included laziness.

After some time I started to not mind my hairy legs. And then I stopped shaving my armpits. I fucken ran a half marathon in my hairy legs (which maybe that was part of the reason I had a slower time this year… hmmm… should have worn running pants). Because all of this is fairly new I sometimes sit and stare at my legs and touch my hairy pits like… who said this was gross? How come hairy legs and pits are not shamed on men? Why do women or people that want to shave in general, that see it as a chore continue to do it? Okay, okay. The  “I don’t shave for you I shave because I want to” type people can shut up. I was one of you. Then I started looking deeper into this practice and realized I was doing it because I didn’t want people to tell me I was hairy. Fuck those people. I’m having as good a time as you and I don’t have to worry about the last time I shaved.

Laugh it up. Continue to think it’s nasty and gross. You’re GROSS! You shave and tap that razor on your bathtub rim and stare at the nasty blob of hair. Continue to shame yourself every other day and remove that hair from your pits. HAHAHHA… okay, that was rough. I’m fucking with you, again. All I ask is that you leave people, such as myself, be… HAIRY! *insert boom sound*

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Swarm

This is about my vanity, my egotism, my arrogance and how I have ignored all of it for a long time now; longer than usual. My thoughts are swarming and I have been seeing them come at a distance and now they are all over me. I can’t ignore them anymore.

I hate to make this about appearance but it’s the first thing I see every morning after I walk my fat-ass into the bathroom and the huge mirror reflects my visibly fat ass back at me. It’s not a nice fat ass, it’s a ginormous fat ass that indicates my lack of self-care. I don’t know what’s more important anymore – my mental health or my physical appearance? Maybe they are both equally important and I just can’t do both. Excuses. A swarm of excuses. I wave them off violently because they are a distraction of my state of not giving a fuck.

This is my header quote on my Instagram page: It is more necessary to heal the soul than the body, for to die is better than to live a bad life. – Epictetus Enchiridion

Then why am I being swarmed by these thoughts and emotions? Is it because I don’t feel I’m living a good life that I am focused on how I’m not healing my body? And because I’m focused on how I’m not healing body that I am feeling defeated and gross about how I look? What comes first? What should come first?

Goal: happiness

via Daily Prompt: Swarm

Why Wait Until The New Year?

I started a blog two years ago dedicated to my fitness and health. The last time I wrote in it was in May. Here it is if you’d like to pay that old thing a visit: Losing Monica.

This post will be dedicated to starting fresh again on my journey to reach my desired weight and/or physique. I will be weighing myself tomorrow morning for the first time in months! I’m planning on logging my weight every two weeks and hopefully writing about my journey once again.

The plan: focus on losing body fat first by doing cardio training and watching what I eat. No fast food for sure. I’m not a big advocate for food elimination, but this one is a no brainer- there is no such thing as a healthy fast food place. Depending how I do the first month I will decide on continuing with the cardio and healthy eating or move on to weight training. Once in the weight training phase I will focus on toning my desired areas and the rest of my body. Focus areas: arms and legs.

*Starting tomorrow (12/30/13) I will begin a two week green smoothie (juicing when possible) cleanse. I already went grocery shopping and I am really excited to get started. Being on this road before I know that there will be challenges and road blocks but I also know how good it feels to be on the winning side.

So, like, wuh happan? There is no one to blame but myself in my falling out. I am not looking for perfection- I am merely trying to feel comfortable in my own body- and I have been there before; it doesn’t look like the airbrushed versions of fitness models. It doesn’t even look like the bathing suit selfies posted daily on social media. I am all about self-love, but like everyone else, I have my own version of self love and that’s working hard to get the results I want and I know when I reach those results when I feel good and happy with what I see in the mirror.

I’ll post back on this in two weeks after my second weigh-in.