Writing Out My Dream(s)

Lucid [ˈlo͞osəd] Adjective. 1. Expressed clearly; easy to understand. 2. Literary: bright or luminous

Dream [drēm] Noun. 1. a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep. Verb. 1. experience dreams during sleep.

Lucid Dream – any dream during which the dreamer is aware that they are dreaming. During lucid dreaming, the dreamer may allegedly be able to exert some degree of control over the dream characters, narrative, and environment.

Every once in a while I experience a lucid dream. I don’t know why, but they are always fun to tell and remember. One of my most recent lucid dreams has revealed and mirrored a lot of what I’ve been going through. Think of it as … part of my continuing metamorphosis. I don’t really want to write about the last dream I had but more about the dream I had in which my Nina was dying. I’ll list the characters in my dream.

  • Nina: my grandma, mi abuelita that doesn’t like to be called Abuela or Abuelita. She’s always said that name was her mom, Abuelita Goya. I spent every summer, weekend, long weekend, etc. with her and learning from her. She’s the one that gave quince minutos mas de dormir three times making it 45 additional minutes. The one that would wake me up with breakfast and the one I would take her cafecito to in her mug. I remember pouring the coffee and then taking it to her and she’d be like: pa’la otra me llenas la taza hasta arriba y caminas mas despacio.
  • Mami: my mom. Mother of 4 girls. She’s selfless and unselfish when it comes to caring for Nina and her girls.
  • Sandy: my oldest sister. The one that can make me laugh and the one I can share the dumbest things with. The first one of my sisters to become a mom and the one that doubtlessly underestimates her hard work as a momma to my two wonderful nieces.
  • Martha: the oldest female cousin, second oldest of all my grandmas 30+ nietos.

This dream was colorful and full of my Nina’s scent- you know that old abuela smell that is unmistakably your grandma’s smell? Yep, that one. Well in this dream I was taking my Nina to the store and on our way back she asks me to take her to the hospital. A bit odd, but I thought that no matter where I go with my Nina I know it’s special and she’s always with a purpose. She ends up checking herself in and in her hospital room I’m sitting crossed legged on her bed. She begins to tell me that she’s known for a while that she’s going to depart this earth and this life and that she’s OK with it. Pero, que le tengo que traer unas cuantas cocitas de la casa. I’m looking at her and noticing the details in that damned ugly green beanie she likes to wear and asking myself why the hell she’s so calm? Tears start rolling out of my eyes and I keep wiping them away telling myself that if she’s OK with this I should too and I should get myself together for her.

When I talk to the doctor she’s explaining everything she’s already explained to my grandma and I keep telling myself to focus because more than likely I’ll be the one to have to tell all of this my Mami. Me dice que hace tiempo noto un tumor y que aun no maligno, es causante de muchos sintomas que han afectado la salud en general. I’m standing there and I look over my grandma and she’s just chillin’ on the bed knitting and whistling softly. The doctor’s voice fades away and here comes my Mami rushing with a look of confusion and desperation. She holds it together as I tell her what the doctor just told me. And even though she wants to talk to my Nina I tell her we have to go; we need to get some stuff from the house to bring to her. She acquiesces and we  drive to my Nina’s house.

The drive was silent. And unlike other dreams, I’m able to move in real time; there is no slowing of movements, no blurry or fuzziness of anything and I’m following traffic signals and look both ways before turning the corner. When we arrive at the house I tell my mom what my grandma wanted us t get and she begins searching for it. The whole time I stand by the doorway observing my mom shuffling through drawers, clothes, and papers. She looks over at my and gives me that look, the are-you-serious-this-is-happening look of sadness. I smirk at her and shrug my shoulders. Defeated by her thoughts she slumps on the edge of the bed and begins to cry slowly covering her face in shame. I walk over to her and tell her it’s going to be OK. I bend down to hug her and clearly, without any doubt she says, “I hate this, Mona. My mom can’t die.” We’re hugging and her chin rests on my head as my arms are wrapped around her waist. Then I posture up and hold her face and tell her that it’s out of our control. That’s when she hugs me, tightly (I felt it, in my body as I slept and knowing this felt so weird), and she begins to sob. Now it’s me resting my head on hers and softly petting her head as I, too cry, silently. She asks quietly: what am I going to do with my days, Mona? Que voy hacer ahora? Mona, what am I going to do with my days?

At that moment Sandy walks in laughing with Martha. Unknowing as to why we were hugging and crying Martha politely steps outside the room and Sandy jumps on the bed in an attempt to lighten up the situation. I tell her that Nina is dying and that we have to be OK with it because she’s okay with it. She starts to cry too, but with an understanding that we have to now look out for our Mami because she’s going to fall apart without Nina. #end

What woke me up was my own sobbing and the feeling of my body reacting. The tears were flowing, I tell you. I look at the time and it’s 8:24am. 24 minutes after I’m already supposed to be at work. I immediately call my timekeeper, still crying. Then I call my boss, still crying telling him that I’ll be in as soon as I can. He asks me if I’m okay and I tell him that I had an incredibly realistic dream about my family. He tells me that I should take my time, but most importantly, am I okay? I assure him that I am and that I’ll see him in a bit.

In a deeper analysis of this dream my boss and I have determined that I have taken an archetype role of wise old woman. The grandmother typically represents the sage, wisdom, etc. I became the mother to my mother. Literally in my dream we switched rolls. And I explained to him what the death of a grandmother means in Dream World: the death of an old self [read: my old self] and the birth of a new self. It’s a telling of how I have come to take control of the things I can and affirm the decisions that come from that control. To be OK with those decisions… isn’t it all crazy? I mean… the change that people go through is not overnight. And I am proof of that. It’s been months that I have been struggling with defining me, and who I am, and wearing the different masks but all in play with my true self and leaving any false selfs in the past. I am maturing in front of my own eyes.

My Nina means so much to me. When I face tough decisions I go to her. I ask her what I should do and she never speaks in terms of finiteness but in terms of not doubting your gut. She’s asked me before… y que te dice to mente? And when I tell her and she usually responds with: entonces no es mal. Si es algo que tu quieres hacer tu sabes lo bueno de esa decicion. Mira, tu sabes que aqui estamos para ti si no te va bien. I don’t know why but I love that as she continues her advice she keeps knitting. She never stops only when I lean in to hug her.

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The Dichotomy of Control

I’m in a better emotional state than I was from my last post: An Analysis of My Recent Situation  written a couple of months ago. I feel very proud of myself for allowing the insight of two special individuals concerning my confirmed metamorphosis. Noticing my struggle one of my life mentors (that sounds about right. That’s what I’ll call my two go-to people), referred me to William B. Irvine’s A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy which is based on a branch of Hellenistic Philosophy particularly Stoicism as taught by Epictetus. Whew! That was a mouthful.

In recent years I have been unconsciously, and most recently consciously working on myself in regards to increasing my quality of life. I’ve been removing myself of material pleasures and separating from the feelings of insatiability due to constant desires of things that I’m either not ready for or that are not in my control. I probably wouldn’t have worded that in that specific way before reading this book, but I’m happy that I am able to point to something tangible in a sense.

Before I dive into my reflection on the Dichotomy of Control chapter and the techniques to becoming invincible I will, in my best terms, describe Epictetus. Epictetus is a Roman Stoic Philosopher from like over a thousand years ago. His philosophy was this: analyze the why of life. He was an early Cynic or had Cynic principles/lifestyle before being described as a Stoic. He had two requirements for his students: 1 – wanting to benefit from philosophy (meaning he didn’t want no half-assed efforts from them because this was a lifestyle to be taken seriously) and 2 – understanding what a commitment to philosophy entails (meaning the student had to be aware that philosophy was not a joke, that he/she needed to take this seriously in order to make life worth living and to find purpose). His ideal pupil is someone who will be satisfied if he can live untrammeled and untroubled. I had to look up untrammeled; it means not deprived by freedom of action or expression; seeks to be tranquil and free from turmoil. His belief was that students of his should be leaving his school feeling bad about themselves because treatment likely to cure a patient is also likely to cause discomfort. Here it is again: treatment likely to cure a patient is also likely to cause discomfort. He taught dialectical lessons (e.g. examining yourself) and the art of living, what your cosmic scheme role is, and to live out the functions of being a human.

Here is what the dichotomy of control is: it is to ask ourselves if we concern ourselves with things external to us or things internal? A Stoic reflects and looks for the benefit and harm that comes from within himself. A Stoic gives up the rewards the external world has to offer in order to gain tranquility, freedom, and calm. Part of working to become a Stoic is to change our desires – to not be frustrated by what we cannot attain in order to decrease anxiety about whether or not we will get what we want. Some things are up to us and some are not up to us. For Epictetus it’s foolish to spend time thinking on things that are not up to us because they’re not up to us and worrying about them is futile.

So, what IS up to us? According to Epictetus opinions, impulses, desires, aversions, and our goals are up to us. What is NOT up to us? Possessions and reputation. Internal versus external controls. Internal goals affect our external performance. Our goals have an impact on our emotional state. Internalizing goals leads to preserving our tranquility. We have control of our values and having such control we choose the genuine value of things and be indifferent to things that lack value.

How does this all apply to me and what I’m going through? Oh, it applies perfectly- in my personal life as much as it does in my work life. All of this goes back to what is in my circle of influence. What are the things over which I have complete or some control? I have control over how well and efficient I do my job by doing the proper research, applying the knowledge I’ve gained so far, and to always have and ask questions. I have control over my career goals and the focus I place on achieving those goals. I don’t have control over the perceptions people around me have, but I have the satisfaction of knowing I worked hard and did my best.  I have complete control of my character and how I carry myself. Knowing that much leads me to tranquility and a life free of anxiety, anger, and sadness. So, what about my personal life? I don’t have control over whether people will love me the way I want them to, specifically my s/o. I do have control over treating him well, and loving him the best way that I can. I also have the control over ending something I no longer want. I don’t have control over his feelings or actions, but knowing that I did my best for him and by him that should lead me to tranquility. I have control in maintaining relationships by paying attention to them and continuing to appreciate them by using the Negative Visualization technique of a Stoic. I have some control of my financial situation. I can save and manage my spending, but I don’t have complete control because there is the unexpected rainy day. I have control over the things I place value in and that has shifted from the material to intangible experiences. I want to be at peace and not have to stress over what I don’t have. Remember this post? I Have A New Favorite Quote  One of my quotes is: Happiness is Wanting What You Have Not Having What You Want. Wow! I’ve been a Stoic without even knowing it.

The thing that for a while I wanted to make people listen to me. To listen to my ideas and make them change. Pretty much I was forcing my ways onto people and then I was angry and frustrated because no one was buying into it. Then I re-focused on just “doing me”. Putting my ideas into action for me. The results started to speak for themselves. I had questions on how am I able to manage my time so well? How is it that I know the exact status of every action? How is it that I can reply with the right references and resources in a timely manner? How is it that I’m able to live so far away from my familiar friends and family and explore new things and places without needing to be with those familiar to me? How have I not lost myself by living on my own so far away? All of these things come naturally when the focus is re-centered to things that you can control. It’s not easy, it’s something that takes time, but I’m glad that unconsciously the new me was going through that process. Maybe it was the books I was reading. Maybe it was my Main Mommy, Christina P. Maybe it’s the universe aligning itself for me. Maybe it was my awareness of self. I just wonder and hope that those struggling to find tranquility find it soon. I’m still working on it and still reading The Guide to the Good Life and looking forward to the other techniques.

Below are some episodes from one of my favorite Podcasts: That’s Deep Bro with Christina Pazsitzky. Listening to her has been an awesome experience so far and she never fails to make me laugh on each of her episodes. The below relate to the above and the philosophy of what it all means to be Me (i.e. You).

  • Episode 43 What do you really, really, really want?
  • Episode 36 Find Yourself Then Get Over Yourself
  • Episode 29 Expect the Unexpected and Whenever Possible Be The Unexpected
  • Episode 27 The Illusion of Control
  • Episode 20 Compassion, Anger, and Control with Dhaya Lakshminarayanan

 

 

Playing Video Games Even Though I Suck

I like playing video games. I also suck at them.

Growing up my sisters and I weren’t really allowed to play them even though we really wanted to. I say really because my mom would allow us to and would always make it known that it was okay, but that we just had to respect the decisions of Dad. My dad used to tell us that they weren’t for girls. *GAG* I’m not really sure how my sisters feel about that time in our lives other than how fun it was to play with our cousins and run back into the house when Dad got home from work. Now, in my late twenties I’m going all in.

When the Nintendo DSi game out I bought one because that’s when I was able to without any mental reservation or fear of my dad. I got a puzzle/trivia game and of course the must-haves. I also got a PS2 with the usual racing ones, basesball, boxing for some reason, DDR and the like. Then I got an iPhone. All those gaming apps? I was all about them. Crossword puzzles, sudoku, endless point based games, competitive multi-player, single player mastery (I just made that up, but I hope you get it), etc., I’m not saying that’s all I did or that I had them out while socializing, but when I had me-time… you’d find me playing. Before the mobile versions, or before I discovered they were in app form, I actually had the books and a pencil or pen. Sometimes before bed I take out my iPad and I’m playing a game or two.

Recently I got myself an Xbox One- much to my BF’s chagrin. To him the PS4 is superior and even though I kind of agree, I stuck to my purchase. So, what’s the game of choice? Destiny – The Taken King. It’s awesome! But, I suck. I suck so badly at these types of games and I don’t care. I also downloaded Tomb Raider because … Lara Croft that’s why.

Playing allows me to laugh at myself and also to sharpen my sense of observation and strategy. I’m constantly getting lost and unable to find my way back to starting points. I run into walls and get stuck in caves and die at unmentionable rates and frequency. Let it be known that I am not ashamed of my gaming repertoire.

My favorite thing about online playing is that it gives me the chance to be openly frustrated with myself and occasionally experience that feeling of achieving those small significant victories from the storyline. It’s also taught me patience and determination. I used to go in charging in at the enemies and trying to punch my way through (still do at times). Thanks to my online buddies and seeing how they play and approach the mission I’ve gotten a little better. There are moments in which I surprise myself when I stay alive longer than five minutes because it means I learned something valuable. It may seem trivial and maybe even obvious to some, but if you know me then you know that I have a hard time staying back when I know there is an objective to be completed.

I wonder sometimes how playing video games consistently or on a not-hiding-from-my-dad basis would have shaped me differently in any way. I mean I’m an adult with a full time job and a college education and video games have been helping me in many aspects of my personal and professional life… even though I suck so badly at them. Let another thing be known: I don’t consider myself a gamer, but I do like that I am a girl who loves them and a Latina at that.

7 Ways Video Games Will Help Your Kids in School

Cognitive Benefits of Playing Video Games

5 Life Skills That Video Games Can Help You Develop

Top 10 On My Playlist

I thought I would go with a fun and simple post today. Here is a list of some of my most played songs, all within the top 20. I wanted to make it top 10, but there were repeat artists and songs from the same album so I decided to go a bit further down the list. I fear my music list will seem outdated or very random, but what’s the beauty of music if it doesn’t transcend time? I’m not an outdated person, or so I like to believe, but I am random. I didn’t have my iPod for over a month – not like it will make a difference – but due to that fact I’ve been on YouTube more often at work and play whole albums or just let the auto-play do its thing.

fav song

#10 I admit there are way better songs that could have made it to my top 10 if Luis Mi was a given, which he is, but this is my most played. What am I supposed to do about it? It makes me laugh only because the beat of this song is so 80s/90s. The lyrics are on point, tho.. “si no supiste amar, ahora te puedes marchar… contigo yo perdi/ ya tengo con quien ganar / ya se que no hubo nadie que te diera lo que yo te di … por eso comprendo que estas aqui”. Like, you didn’t appreciate me, fool. Now be gone! Leave. Here is “ahora te puedes marchar” by one of my all-time male Latin Pop artists, Luis Miguel

#9 Jazmine Sullivan. Oh, this girl! I first heard “Bust Your Windows” and fell in love with her style, voice, and fierceness of the song. Well, I got her album and “Lions, Tigers, and Bears” quickly became a top song for me. Accepting something you know you deserve but past experiences make you believe otherwise? That’s this song right here. Just let yourself be loved, Jazmine.

#8 This song is fucken old, but I played it so much when I first came across it that now every time it plays I let it. Trey Songz has such a beautiful voice. The songs speaks for itself. “Can’t Be Friends” y’all. You just can’t.

#7 This song, “dimelo” by Intocable is timeless. Mendigo, be real with me… me quieres? si no, vete! For real! This is the song that conversation that has been a long time coming in a one-way relationship. When you’ve come to your breaking point and tell yourself: this idiot isn’t the real idiot here, it’s me for knowing he doesn’t feel the same and I’m here prolonging the inevitable. But I still need to hear it- from him. So… dimelo.

#6 Really, based on what you’ve read so far you thought I’d leave out “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac?  I may tend to be overly dramatic when it comes to feels on relationships, but this one is universal. It’s one of those songs that after you break up you want the fool that you left to know that you’re playing it over and over and hope that it sinks in that he was only dreaming when he thought he could be without you. Right? Yea… right!

#5 Emile Sande has such smooth vocals (which can be questionable in the couple of live videos I’ve watched) but this song – by far my favorite and well, it’s the only album I own hers (Our Version of Events). “My Kind Of Love” is not what my kind of love is, but it’s such a different perspective of what I know. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m that stupid, yet sustained love. I like to show my love physically and verbally. So here it is…

#4 OK.. so as I searched for the YouTube link I saw as a search option Fool For You Ceelo Green. I was like… pero que? Well I clicked on it and I’m like HOLY TARDS.. this is from Lady Killer, which I have and damn… I can’t believe I didn’t realize it! I fucken love that song. But, I think it’s a testament to Alice Smith. She kills the song. That passion, whoo! I mean I listen to the song and I just nod along and feel it deep within me. That crazy love you have for your babe, it’s there- in this song. Here you go, Alice Smith – Fool For You.

#3 Pepe Aguilar has always been a huge favorite of mine. As of the last few years I have come to appreciate more of his banda and the style he has that mirrors his late father Antonio Aguilar. But this song… takes me back to when I was in High School and was heart broken over some stupid guy. *deep sigh*. I didn’t know many fans of his that were my age, but here it is.. .”ya para que”

#2 This last album is different than their last, but that’s the point of an artist. They evolve and as a fan you grown with them. From Proaño I give you “de paso”. La letra… “quizas no este de mas por un segundo mirar atras/ ya veras lo que has vivido/ lo que has sufrido / y veras (vida)/ como me has cambiado (vida)/ madre quedate a mi lado/ para siempre”. This song takes you places. The vibe, the chill, the energy… it’s all there in this song. Espero y les guste.

#1 This has become my favorite band as of the last, idk… five years? I found them randomly as I listened to music from Zoe and the like. The song Enemigo caught my attention and I searched for them. They’re from my mom’s home town Fresnillo, Zacatecas so they got a bonus. This is their latest single release from Proaño and damn… his voice captures me and takes me. The lyrics … “terminamos uno con el otro/para volver a empezar … un carino por diez despedidas … eres la prision y la salida/por esta razon deberia dejarte/pero es la razon para quedarme/ aqui” It’s that song you can’t help but repeat when you’re in that bullshit ass relationship that you know is toxic, but you can’t break away.

I hope you enjoyed!

Five Years From Now

Have you ever asked yourself that question? I have and it’s a question my boyfriend and I have gotten into an argument over. The first time it was just an awkward silence after he raised his voice due to getting frustrated at the question. The second time he walked out on the conversation and I ended up getting an anxiety attack. The latter was shortly before I made my move out of state due to my decision to make a career move.

Five years ago I would not have guessed or predicted for myself that I would be living out of my home state, but I am. I would not have thought I wold be in the position to have to make such a decision either. Things happen, people change and adapt, and others, like me – even though afraid of change – are always looking for something different.

It’s almost a year now and I can’t believe I have survived. I say survived because before I made the move I experienced anxiety and was put on mild medication to relieve the symptoms. I was afraid of the changes and I was even more panicked over trusting myself to make it work. Depending on my mood I say that it has been a very fast year or very snail paced one. Regardless, I’ve made it. I can’t say that it has been easy or financially steady, but I am proud of myself.

I consider myself to be independent and self-reliant. I see my boyfriend as such as well. However, we have varying definitions (so it seems) of living comfortably or of success. I want to say he’s a minimalist but I don’t know if he’d agree with that. We’re not complete opposites, but I do feel that he challenges me in my way of thinking and my way of seeing things. His opinions either reinforce my own or they allow me to expand and question. Can I say the same of him? I’m not sure; he seems to be pretty set.

Admitting to how much of a consumer I am shames me. It shouldn’t but it does. I have debt. I’ve cleared it and then allowed it to creep up on me over and over. I wish I was more logical in my spending and it’s something I’m working on. I use the “it’s American of me to be in such a position” excuse. or reasoning, to cut myself some slack – but that’s lazy. I need to practice saying no or perhaps say “maybe”.

Saying “maybe” is what my bf does best. He doesn’t like to commit because “something else might come up”. Oh that bugs me. I, on the other hand, say “yes” too freely and often don’t come through. Most of the time it’s my laziness and when it comes to the both of us it is me failing to convince him to join me. I should adopt the “maybe” strategy.

I love this guy. I see myself with him and I want the rest of my life with him. So, what does the above have to do with five years from now? I’ll tell you…

Five years from now I want to be back in California close to my family living with him and talking about expanding our family. If it’s not in California I want to be where I am and have him move in with me. And if it’s not either then I want to be on my own living my life – accepting that despite all the love I have for him, not being on the same page in terms of goals is something that I can’t change and will not compromise. I don’t want to resent anyone I love for not doing what I want them to knowing that they don’t want to and them not being 100% with it. I also don’t want to blame him for something I could have done without him.

That scares me. Am I self-centered? It is me just knowing what my priorities are and working for them? Is he being too careless with me and my plans? He can change his mind and I can change mine. Nothing is definite in this life except death. I just don’t like the “what if’s” in life when I feel I can control the positive what ifs. For example, I was unhappy in my last job, I was living at home again sharing a room with my 18 year old sister at the time. I was paying a monthly fee to have all my things in a storage unit and I hated it. It wasn’t fun.

Living at home and having less expenses. although a good thing, was driving me up the wall insane. I know that if I wouldn’t have taken this position I would most likely still be in the same place wondering what could have been if I’d taken the job. I controlled that what if and in turn made myself happier. Yes, there were sacrifices, like having to be in a long distance relationship, but it’s not half bad when we both have mutual respect and maintain communicative. For the most part it’s doable. Sometimes it sucks, but … as the worst saying in the world goes: it is what it is.

What Spanish Means To Me

Here’s a post I left in the “draft” stage for quite some time. I’ve been living in Oregon for 8 months already. If you do the math this post stayed in draft for four months. I finished it and here it is.

The topic of language has been a steady constant since my move away from home four months ago. Home for me is the San Fernando Valley, an urbanized area north of Los Angeles. Moving to a rural part of Oregon has been challenging in many ways- in particular not having anyone to speak Spanish to. 

It might seem trivial, maybe even banal, but for me it’s been almost tragic. The sound of different voices, tonalities, accents, and mixtures of language is sorely missed.

The question I ask myself now is: why do I miss it so much? Spanish represents so many things to me. It stands for family, home (the actual, physical home), intimacy- in general, familiarity. Have you ever heard the saying that something said in Spanish means much more? I can’t recall the exact phrase, but it’s something we say and it’s especially more meaningful now. 

 I finished reading Richard Rodriguez’s Hunger of Memory: The Education of Rirchard Rodriguez and he brought up so many points regarding language. I thought it very telling of how some things in life are experienced thematically such as this that I am going through. I have moved to a rural area that has a racial makeup of 91% White and 5.5% Latino/HIspanic- i guess I knew what I was walking into, but I wasn’t expecting it to affect me this much. I wanted to keep home close to me in some way, so I looked up groups of which to be a part. I found none. I looked up Mexican Restaurants and surprisingly there are more than a hand full, but it’s not like I can ask the staff to sit and talk to me. 

After my arrival I decided to just ride the wave. To let things be. It hasn’t been easy but I’ve gotten used to it. I turn my head in a whipping motion every time I hear Spanish and I do a double take at a brown face. I hope that I bring familiarity to those I see that have the same complexion as they do to me. Even if we don’t say a word to each other I hope the look in my eyes and the smile that comes along with it gives the person the notion that I am right there with them- even if I don’t know where “there” is for them. 

Conversations With The Self

have you ever had three conversations going on in your head all at once? How about four or… 1,000?

You know that little voice inside your head? I have one too and it has a name; BJ. I remember I was around 11 or 12 when I finally decided on a name. It’s like it was yesterday* cue in harp and clouds and a fade out from reality*: I was listening to a CD on my newly gifted boombox and having a conversation with said voice. I got annoyed that I couldn’t address the voice in my head by name, so after much thought I decided on BJ. It’s a girl, by the way.

Blah blah blah. The point of my post is:

Lately I’ve been having thoughts about my future that are not as simple as they used to be. Thoughts on my financial stability, the current situation being the culprit, my status as a long distance girlfriend, the possibility of moving back to my home state or moving further into the Pacific Northwest, marriage (it matters to me outside of religious reasons), kids (would I welcome the change my body will go through?), and the lack of discipline I have on mostly everything I do in my life. I’ll be well into my late twenties by mid this year and that’s also a scary thought. Is it true that your thirties is the hardest decade? What are stats on that? Get them to me. Pronto.

Then thoughts on mundane things float around in my head that BJ desperately wants to address. For example, I set a book reading challenge to 20 books this year. For some stupid reason it’s stressing me out. I also didn’t complete a 30  day workout challenge thanks to my menstrual cramps this cycle. I would have been done this week. I’m also thinking about all the things and places I want to go while I’m living outside California and… I can’t take it!

All these thoughts turn into full on back and forth conversations between BJ and I. Sometimes I have to shake my head to refocus on the task at hand. Sometimes BJ is not even part of the conversation, it’s just me talking to myself. Here’s a recurring one:

am I truly happy in my relationship? I mean if I wasn’t why would I be in it? What if because I’m asking these questions it means that I’m not? If I share these thoughts with him would he understand? I would tell him why I feel this way and at the end of the day I can’t force him to be someone he’s not. I want sweet nothings. He’s … practical? Maybe cheap or selfish. I deserve better. Why can’t I look for better? I feel guilty for thinking this way because he might not even know that he’s doing wrong by my definition. No. Fuck that! He should know how I am based on our talks. But I also should know how he is and it’s just me putting up with it. I never thought I’d be this girl.

here’s another one:

my year on this current job contract is up in 4 months. I have to decide to stay longer (would it be forever?), move to a big city further North or go back home? But what if back home has nothing? Close to home would mean about a couple of hours away or three to four (better than 12 I suppose). I said I wouldn’t ask him to move with me after our last talk regarding my status; I hope he does though. If he doesn’t its a sign- we’re not meant to be. I would love to move to a bigger city. That means more expenses. That means moving to the bigger city expenses. That means I need to have good money saved up. I fucken don’t have shit saved up. I don’t want credit problems- I’ve just cleared that mess up. If he moves with me… what will he bring to the table? Can it work? I really don’t mind being the bread-winner. We work well together. I can see it. I have to apply, interview, get selected BEFORE I start thinking about all of this. Gah! Why am I even… really, girl? I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. In four months.

I’ve felt like I can’t catch a break. It’s constant and incessant. I’m afraid I’ll bring on another anxiety attack with all these conversations. The universe knows I wouldn’t be able to handle that right now.

Como dice mi Nina, “que Dios me libre.”