Writing Out My Dream(s)

Lucid [ˈlo͞osəd] Adjective. 1. Expressed clearly; easy to understand. 2. Literary: bright or luminous

Dream [drēm] Noun. 1. a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep. Verb. 1. experience dreams during sleep.

Lucid Dream – any dream during which the dreamer is aware that they are dreaming. During lucid dreaming, the dreamer may allegedly be able to exert some degree of control over the dream characters, narrative, and environment.

Every once in a while I experience a lucid dream. I don’t know why, but they are always fun to tell and remember. One of my most recent lucid dreams has revealed and mirrored a lot of what I’ve been going through. Think of it as … part of my continuing metamorphosis. I don’t really want to write about the last dream I had but more about the dream I had in which my Nina was dying. I’ll list the characters in my dream.

  • Nina: my grandma, mi abuelita that doesn’t like to be called Abuela or Abuelita. She’s always said that name was her mom, Abuelita Goya. I spent every summer, weekend, long weekend, etc. with her and learning from her. She’s the one that gave quince minutos mas de dormir three times making it 45 additional minutes. The one that would wake me up with breakfast and the one I would take her cafecito to in her mug. I remember pouring the coffee and then taking it to her and she’d be like: pa’la otra me llenas la taza hasta arriba y caminas mas despacio.
  • Mami: my mom. Mother of 4 girls. She’s selfless and unselfish when it comes to caring for Nina and her girls.
  • Sandy: my oldest sister. The one that can make me laugh and the one I can share the dumbest things with. The first one of my sisters to become a mom and the one that doubtlessly underestimates her hard work as a momma to my two wonderful nieces.
  • Martha: the oldest female cousin, second oldest of all my grandmas 30+ nietos.

This dream was colorful and full of my Nina’s scent- you know that old abuela smell that is unmistakably your grandma’s smell? Yep, that one. Well in this dream I was taking my Nina to the store and on our way back she asks me to take her to the hospital. A bit odd, but I thought that no matter where I go with my Nina I know it’s special and she’s always with a purpose. She ends up checking herself in and in her hospital room I’m sitting crossed legged on her bed. She begins to tell me that she’s known for a while that she’s going to depart this earth and this life and that she’s OK with it. Pero, que le tengo que traer unas cuantas cocitas de la casa. I’m looking at her and noticing the details in that damned ugly green beanie she likes to wear and asking myself why the hell she’s so calm? Tears start rolling out of my eyes and I keep wiping them away telling myself that if she’s OK with this I should too and I should get myself together for her.

When I talk to the doctor she’s explaining everything she’s already explained to my grandma and I keep telling myself to focus because more than likely I’ll be the one to have to tell all of this my Mami. Me dice que hace tiempo noto un tumor y que aun no maligno, es causante de muchos sintomas que han afectado la salud en general. I’m standing there and I look over my grandma and she’s just chillin’ on the bed knitting and whistling softly. The doctor’s voice fades away and here comes my Mami rushing with a look of confusion and desperation. She holds it together as I tell her what the doctor just told me. And even though she wants to talk to my Nina I tell her we have to go; we need to get some stuff from the house to bring to her. She acquiesces and we  drive to my Nina’s house.

The drive was silent. And unlike other dreams, I’m able to move in real time; there is no slowing of movements, no blurry or fuzziness of anything and I’m following traffic signals and look both ways before turning the corner. When we arrive at the house I tell my mom what my grandma wanted us t get and she begins searching for it. The whole time I stand by the doorway observing my mom shuffling through drawers, clothes, and papers. She looks over at my and gives me that look, the are-you-serious-this-is-happening look of sadness. I smirk at her and shrug my shoulders. Defeated by her thoughts she slumps on the edge of the bed and begins to cry slowly covering her face in shame. I walk over to her and tell her it’s going to be OK. I bend down to hug her and clearly, without any doubt she says, “I hate this, Mona. My mom can’t die.” We’re hugging and her chin rests on my head as my arms are wrapped around her waist. Then I posture up and hold her face and tell her that it’s out of our control. That’s when she hugs me, tightly (I felt it, in my body as I slept and knowing this felt so weird), and she begins to sob. Now it’s me resting my head on hers and softly petting her head as I, too cry, silently. She asks quietly: what am I going to do with my days, Mona? Que voy hacer ahora? Mona, what am I going to do with my days?

At that moment Sandy walks in laughing with Martha. Unknowing as to why we were hugging and crying Martha politely steps outside the room and Sandy jumps on the bed in an attempt to lighten up the situation. I tell her that Nina is dying and that we have to be OK with it because she’s okay with it. She starts to cry too, but with an understanding that we have to now look out for our Mami because she’s going to fall apart without Nina. #end

What woke me up was my own sobbing and the feeling of my body reacting. The tears were flowing, I tell you. I look at the time and it’s 8:24am. 24 minutes after I’m already supposed to be at work. I immediately call my timekeeper, still crying. Then I call my boss, still crying telling him that I’ll be in as soon as I can. He asks me if I’m okay and I tell him that I had an incredibly realistic dream about my family. He tells me that I should take my time, but most importantly, am I okay? I assure him that I am and that I’ll see him in a bit.

In a deeper analysis of this dream my boss and I have determined that I have taken an archetype role of wise old woman. The grandmother typically represents the sage, wisdom, etc. I became the mother to my mother. Literally in my dream we switched rolls. And I explained to him what the death of a grandmother means in Dream World: the death of an old self [read: my old self] and the birth of a new self. It’s a telling of how I have come to take control of the things I can and affirm the decisions that come from that control. To be OK with those decisions… isn’t it all crazy? I mean… the change that people go through is not overnight. And I am proof of that. It’s been months that I have been struggling with defining me, and who I am, and wearing the different masks but all in play with my true self and leaving any false selfs in the past. I am maturing in front of my own eyes.

My Nina means so much to me. When I face tough decisions I go to her. I ask her what I should do and she never speaks in terms of finiteness but in terms of not doubting your gut. She’s asked me before… y que te dice to mente? And when I tell her and she usually responds with: entonces no es mal. Si es algo que tu quieres hacer tu sabes lo bueno de esa decicion. Mira, tu sabes que aqui estamos para ti si no te va bien. I don’t know why but I love that as she continues her advice she keeps knitting. She never stops only when I lean in to hug her.


An Analysis of My Recent Situation

A couple of posts ago I wrote about how I was told I create my own problems. I was really hurt by that conversation and I have been thinking a lot about it lately. Am I creating my own problems? Am I being irrational and illogical?

I have a friend that I go to for everything. She’s been my rock for as long as I can remember. She’s been through my fails, my falls, my victories and everything in between. It’s beautiful to know that I have someone like her in my life. I spoke to her about what I’m going through and this funk that I desperately want to get rid of but can’t seem to shrug off. I told her about the okay-ness I feel with not talking to my mom, or my sisters as often (which wasn’t frequent to begin with), and the sense that I am losing what I thought I had with my BF. I was so glad she called me. She listened.

Today I spoke to someone else about it. He is a very unlikely person for this type of insight into my life but very much approachable and I’m happy that he was there and offered to be here for me if I need him to. In no way am I diminishing my dear old friend, but it kind of makes a difference speaking to someone about what’s going on in person. In different words but similar lenses and voices, they told me the same thing. It seems as if I’m going through a change. This change is one that is bound to happen to a person my situation-away from family and the usual friends, a new job and career path, a new state, a greater sense of self realization due to living on my own (again), etc. But there is something I am not letting go of… allusions of past, present, and future. These allusions have instilled a fear in me creating guilt and resentment of myself.

Yea, I guess that can be it. In one my favorite episodes from That’s Deep Bro, Christina Pazsitzky talks about letting go. That episode has been resonating for a while and it deserves another listen. And then here he is, my unlikely confidant, talking about letting go of these allusions and accepting the metamorphosis that is happening to me. And here she is, my guardian angel in the flesh (well, over the phone) telling me it’s OK to feel alright with myself for not wanting to talk to my family. I guess the guilt I feel is because they haven’t done anything wrong for me to want to feel like I need distance from them (which to be fair, sometimes there doesn’t need to be a reason other than this how I feel). I have to remind myself that my feelings are valid and no one should feel entitled enough to denigrate them.

Now, for the feelings about the BF. It’s so painful to write these thoughts out, but it helps. I had a dream last night and I love dreams. I’m a believer in the sense that they are subconscious thoughts and feelings making themselves known in order for us to deal with them. Anyway, I had a dream in which I decided to stop waiting for him. As he angrily accepted me walking away from him he decided to leave himself- I mean, that is what I was implying right, for him to be gone? As he rode off in his bike with his hiking backpack on and a blue-green mullet I wanted to chase him. But like in most dreams I couldn’t move. As much as I wanted to I couldn’t run after him so I thought that maybe running backwards would help (go ahead, laugh). Then I woke up! In my Five Years From Now post I speak briefly about where I see myself with him. It goes much deeper than that, but I don’t want to get into it. So what does it mean?

I’m afraid that I am becoming more and more OK with the distance between us. I am also angry with him for … for … things I cannot bring myself to write out. It hurts me to think he’s not meant for me, or worse that I am not meant for him. I don’t usually have set timelines in my life, but I want to do something about this distance and I am expecting to hear the worst come this next month. There goes the allusion of the future- of what I want it to be and what I fear it can be and what it will be. The present? Well, I’d like for it to be better between us, but like I said in another post “as the worst saying in the world goes… it is what it is.” The past? Well, the past has shaped notions of what the future can be and mean.

I suppose I am maturing and I just haven’t come to grips with my new self. This maturity process that I am going through means that I have become a new person willing and able to lead a different life than what I originally thought. So what’s my life line? How do I manage to put aside all these emotions and continue to be a capable person? The brain is tricky that way. I suppose this is how compartmentalization works. It’s work. My job is what I feel I have control over right now and I’d like to keep it that way because if I lose that control I fear it will be the end of it. There is stupid Fear again. But it’s the honest truth. I’m going to write “I know” in my next sentence even though I really don’t. I know that if I let go of going to work in order to deal with all of this I will go down that spiral I was in six/seven years ago. I don’t want to, but I also don’t know how to deal with this metamorphosis if this what it is because it feels like depression.

Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie – Book Review

 OK, I know I know I have a photo of me on my blog, but sometimes I think putting a face to the author helps. For instance, if the author has a picture of him/her self on the book I’m reading I constantly look at it- in between chapters, in between certain scenes; it creates a sense of peace for me. So that’s why you see a picture of me holding up the book in case you may feel the same.

Americanah was something else. It was my first Nigerian novel and it will definitely not be my last. In many ways I related to Ifemlu, but I don’t think I’m as complex or believe that I long for something as much as she does. Here is my best attempt at reviewing this book.

I enjoyed it. Ifemlu and Obinze (whom she calls Ceiling) are high school and university sweethearts. Due to economic and government troubles in Nigeria Ifemlu arrives in America on a student visa while Obinze stays back home. The irony of it all is that Obinze has a romanticized view of America and it’s he, not she, that wishes to be a part of it all – all that is America. From the start of their relationship they have this unspoken peace and understanding and throughout the novel Ifemlu is ever searching for this peace and understanding with Curt (her White Hot Ex) and Blaine (Professor Hunk) her American black boyfriend.

After almost two decades she returns to Nigeria- Lagos to be exact. At first she feels estranged and I dare to say very superior, high and mighty. She’s fully aware of this, which I like and can relate to in some way. She avoids reaching out to Obinze, even thought they had recently began emailing one another shortly before she returned. During her time in America Ifem found it hard to understand the race issue with black, white and non american blacks- so she starts a blog. But before that she goes through many tribulations and I’m glad that she has he Aunty Uju and Dike to keep her grounded. The reason she stops talking to Obinze after she arrives in America? She found it hard to get a job and after one bad experience with a tennis coach, she feels dirty and guilty and this is why she stops all communication with Obinze (he’s broken because she just cut him off). She gets some jobs here and there and eventually her blog becomes her source of income, which one can only hope. I won’t ruin the ending, but man was my heart beating rapidly as the final pages were coming and I was fearing the worst. Obinze also goes through his stints of trying to be someone abroad. He finds it difficult and after being under false names and working odd jobs, he is deported. He eventually becomes a wealthy man.

Anyway, I did the inevitable and read reviews. Most of them were good and many loved the novel. But one stuck out the most and it was such a long, unnecessary review, but she wrote it and I read it. Based on what I remember the reviewer, who admittedly has a lot of “friends” on GoodReads, mentioned that she thought she was going to get a love story. Hmm… I re-read the back of the book and it reads, “… Americanah is a remarkable novel of race, love, and identity …” I guess she only focused on the love part.

She also said that the novel includes too many names and unnecessary characters. The book is written in third person omniscient, but it reads like I speak, personally. I would rather say: I went to lunch with Lisa, my friend with the big teeth and then always refer to Lisa by Lisa. This annoys the BF since he says it’s not important. But when the story carries on there are references to those people and although small appearances, they return later in the novel, so I would rather have Lisa written all over than to always have to refer to “the girl with the big teeth” or have to leave her out of my story.

At one point this reviewer said, not verbatim, but something along the lines of: if you’re looking for a novel about love you won’t get it in Americanah. Apparently she felt cheated because the book focused too much on race and on Ifemlu’s character flaws. I was pleased to read a lot of the responses to her post because they fell in line with checking her. It IS about love. It’s about the tearing apart of two souls due to things that are not in their control. And about the experiences that lead you to realize that nothing will ever be the same as it was with this ONE person. This ONE person that understands every bit of you and accepts you. She does love Curt, but not the same way as she loves Obinze. She also loved Blaine, but it’s a different love- they are safe loves. While on the other side of the world is Obinze, familiar, understanding, challenging, appreciating. There is one part in the novel that Ifemlu accepts that with Obinze she does not have to explain herself – and to me, there is no greater feeling than what being 100% yourself brings. And Obinze too, he marries Kosi knowing he shouldn’t, knowing that they do not see life the same way. All that I just said is a story about race, love, and identity.

I found the novel funny, moving, eye opening, and recommend worthy. I liked to read other reviews on how much they appreciate the references and being familiar with certain stories. Kind of like when I read novels or stories about Latinos in a world where stories about white women or men are abound.

Top 10 On My Playlist

I thought I would go with a fun and simple post today. Here is a list of some of my most played songs, all within the top 20. I wanted to make it top 10, but there were repeat artists and songs from the same album so I decided to go a bit further down the list. I fear my music list will seem outdated or very random, but what’s the beauty of music if it doesn’t transcend time? I’m not an outdated person, or so I like to believe, but I am random. I didn’t have my iPod for over a month – not like it will make a difference – but due to that fact I’ve been on YouTube more often at work and play whole albums or just let the auto-play do its thing.

fav song

#10 I admit there are way better songs that could have made it to my top 10 if Luis Mi was a given, which he is, but this is my most played. What am I supposed to do about it? It makes me laugh only because the beat of this song is so 80s/90s. The lyrics are on point, tho.. “si no supiste amar, ahora te puedes marchar… contigo yo perdi/ ya tengo con quien ganar / ya se que no hubo nadie que te diera lo que yo te di … por eso comprendo que estas aqui”. Like, you didn’t appreciate me, fool. Now be gone! Leave. Here is “ahora te puedes marchar” by one of my all-time male Latin Pop artists, Luis Miguel

#9 Jazmine Sullivan. Oh, this girl! I first heard “Bust Your Windows” and fell in love with her style, voice, and fierceness of the song. Well, I got her album and “Lions, Tigers, and Bears” quickly became a top song for me. Accepting something you know you deserve but past experiences make you believe otherwise? That’s this song right here. Just let yourself be loved, Jazmine.

#8 This song is fucken old, but I played it so much when I first came across it that now every time it plays I let it. Trey Songz has such a beautiful voice. The songs speaks for itself. “Can’t Be Friends” y’all. You just can’t.

#7 This song, “dimelo” by Intocable is timeless. Mendigo, be real with me… me quieres? si no, vete! For real! This is the song that conversation that has been a long time coming in a one-way relationship. When you’ve come to your breaking point and tell yourself: this idiot isn’t the real idiot here, it’s me for knowing he doesn’t feel the same and I’m here prolonging the inevitable. But I still need to hear it- from him. So… dimelo.

#6 Really, based on what you’ve read so far you thought I’d leave out “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac?  I may tend to be overly dramatic when it comes to feels on relationships, but this one is universal. It’s one of those songs that after you break up you want the fool that you left to know that you’re playing it over and over and hope that it sinks in that he was only dreaming when he thought he could be without you. Right? Yea… right!

#5 Emile Sande has such smooth vocals (which can be questionable in the couple of live videos I’ve watched) but this song – by far my favorite and well, it’s the only album I own hers (Our Version of Events). “My Kind Of Love” is not what my kind of love is, but it’s such a different perspective of what I know. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m that stupid, yet sustained love. I like to show my love physically and verbally. So here it is…

#4 OK.. so as I searched for the YouTube link I saw as a search option Fool For You Ceelo Green. I was like… pero que? Well I clicked on it and I’m like HOLY TARDS.. this is from Lady Killer, which I have and damn… I can’t believe I didn’t realize it! I fucken love that song. But, I think it’s a testament to Alice Smith. She kills the song. That passion, whoo! I mean I listen to the song and I just nod along and feel it deep within me. That crazy love you have for your babe, it’s there- in this song. Here you go, Alice Smith – Fool For You.

#3 Pepe Aguilar has always been a huge favorite of mine. As of the last few years I have come to appreciate more of his banda and the style he has that mirrors his late father Antonio Aguilar. But this song… takes me back to when I was in High School and was heart broken over some stupid guy. *deep sigh*. I didn’t know many fans of his that were my age, but here it is.. .”ya para que”

#2 This last album is different than their last, but that’s the point of an artist. They evolve and as a fan you grown with them. From Proaño I give you “de paso”. La letra… “quizas no este de mas por un segundo mirar atras/ ya veras lo que has vivido/ lo que has sufrido / y veras (vida)/ como me has cambiado (vida)/ madre quedate a mi lado/ para siempre”. This song takes you places. The vibe, the chill, the energy… it’s all there in this song. Espero y les guste.

#1 This has become my favorite band as of the last, idk… five years? I found them randomly as I listened to music from Zoe and the like. The song Enemigo caught my attention and I searched for them. They’re from my mom’s home town Fresnillo, Zacatecas so they got a bonus. This is their latest single release from Proaño and damn… his voice captures me and takes me. The lyrics … “terminamos uno con el otro/para volver a empezar … un carino por diez despedidas … eres la prision y la salida/por esta razon deberia dejarte/pero es la razon para quedarme/ aqui” It’s that song you can’t help but repeat when you’re in that bullshit ass relationship that you know is toxic, but you can’t break away.

I hope you enjoyed!

My Love for Jessie Ware

I first heard “Wildest Moments” circa 2012 while browsing music on YouTube. I fell in trance instantly. Just listen to the soothing and melodic tone of Jessie Ware. I went on iTunes and bought her album. No regrets. She recently had another album release and I’ve now come believe she can’t fail.

At first listens I took the song as her talking to someone about how there might be some crazy shit happening in their relationship, but hey, they’re happy and they always pull through the bullshit. After a while, the song wasn’t resonating in that way anymore. I was now seeing a bigger picture. She’s not talking to someone, she’s talking to LOVE. Go, play the song again and imagine love being on the other side of the conversation. (ok, obvio que la cancion puede ser lo que queramos, so… entiendete tu).

You ever have the one artist that takes you back to a certain time in your life and just allows you to forget “the now”? That’s Jessie Ware for me. The song could not have come at a more perfect time.

At the time I heard Devotion I was going through some pretty intense feelings. Yes, it involves a guy. My mind and heart were going at it pretty badly. The album allowed me to feel and accept the roller coaster feels. Should I stay? Should I just bear the temporary tears of moving on and know that I’ll be OK in the end? I decided to stay because who says “No To Love”? And to be honest, it wasn’t that I felt strong mutual feelings from the guy, but I didn’t want to deny my love i.e. not accept that although this might not last, it’s what’s happening now and I just want to be happy. It serves to know that this guy is now the BF. *insert super smiley emoji*

Listen to “Sweet Talk”. Like, c’mon. How can you not lose yourself in the vibes of this song? Listening to it now takes me back to believing I can walk away from the BF (not BF back then). The start of our relationship is less than ideal, but I mean he had that sweet talk. He had the kisses and he kept me up and going.

Now in her album Tough Love… where do I begin? Here is “You and I (forever)”

This is the song used to confess to your boo that he (or she) is the one. The one you see growing old with and share everything with. Call me a hopeless romantic, whatever. I can imagine being on a long drive with the windows down and the sunset creeping in and looking over at Bae and saying, how ’bout it? You and I, forever?

And “Want Your Feeling”? Le sigh. What a heartbreaking song to such a chill ass fucken beat. Here… take it all in.

The love that never was. That love you couldn’t control and make it love you back. Lord knows I can relate to that feeling. If that asshole only saw your worth he could have had it all, right? All I wanted was for him to love me as much as I did. I want his feelings to be about me, for me! Damnit, Jessie! *insert crying emoji*

If you can, if you will, indulge in the essence of Jessie Ware.

Oh, and before I conclude… my sister was jamming out to Nicki Minaj in her car recently and I heard this voice… this entrancing and transcending vocalist and I grabbed the iPod to see if I was right to believe it was my girl Jessie. It was! I hope she gets the recognition she deserves. Here check it out.

And she’s on the Fifty Shades soundtrack too, so I’m sure she’s getting some great exposure. I like the soundtrack way more than the film, which I caved into watching cause the sister paid for my ticket.

Enjoy the music, readers.


One More Thing: Stories and Other Stories by B.J. Novak – Book Review

One More Thing Cover.jpg

I had this book on my radar for quite some time. Enough time that I thought I had it on pre-sale. I didn’t. On my last Barnes and Noble haul I purchased it and I couldn’t have done anything more rightly at that moment.

I wish I had the book with me so that I would be able to be more precise but since I finished it at the BF’s house that’s where it stayed. I did just finish it a few hours ago, so I’m hoping my memory of it is still on point.

To start off I thoroughly enjoyed the first chapter, or story (the book IS titled One More Thing Stories and More Stories). The story’s perspective was what reallyl got me. After reading it I experienced that, “Hu. Wow! I can’t believe I never saw it that way. It’s so simple and I never saw it differently.” Maybe I had already been given this vantage point but since I feel so enlightened about it I perhaps have not.

We’ve all heard the saying “Slow and steady wins the race” and I believe we all know where it hails from, right? B.J. Novak has changed that lifelong notion that the tortoise is the one to learn from the most. Most people I know that refer to this tale of life lesson have charged the hare with conceit and self-destruction, and have given so much credit to the tortoise. So much so that in this story the tortoise has now made a living on conferences and appearances speaking on how slow and steady gets the job done. The hare, poor hare, has lived long enough in this perceived failure and attempted to restart his life but to no avail. I’m turning this long story turned short story into a long story. I’ll speed it up. The hare requests a rematch. The tortoise declines. The hare trains and begins to convince others that a rematch would be the best thing to do. After much pressure from those around him, the tortoise agrees. The hare wins setting new records and is celebrated. The closing to that story went something like this: slow and steady wins the race. Until hard work and talent take its place.

I mean, you always hear of the person who sat around and waited and finally got the victory. You root for him because well, something WAS accomplished; technically. And you always hear of the undisciplined athlete who should have been at the top and he becomes a cliché because he didn’t. But he becomes the cliché because he didn’t attempt to persevere. That’s what the hare did, that’s what the story wants to convey- that there is a second chance out there after your fuck-up- if you want it badly enough. (At least that’s what I took from it.)

This book is filled with observational commentary of today’s society. There’s a story on how the calendar was invented, which is quite funny because the person who created it is going about his day and journal writing as anyone in today’s world would. The Elvis story is another favorite. Novak has challenged what I think of writers of my generation to be (I think I’m in the same generation, but he’s published so…). For the Elvis one he spins the narrative in such a way that Elvis himself had something to do with all of the Elvis’ in Las Vegas; that he, Elvis, is living and reliving the best Elvis he’s ever been and has always wanted to be.

There’s a story, a script actually, on the Roast of Nelson Mandela. Seriously? I love how there are no boundaries for Novak.

One story connects with another in an unexpected way, which gave me joy because since they were narrated in different styles I wouldn’t think there would be a connection to any previous one.

There are a few one page, simple, deep and insightful stories and there are funny, longer, light hearted ones.

This one story is about a man who purchased a sex robot and returned it because the robot fell in love with him. This guy became the butt of every late night comedians joke and a headline on news sites. The criticism in this one is how society has decided to focus on the fact that he returned a sex robot rather than the fact that a robot could fall in love. Continuing to push the boundary, he questions the motives behind the constant attack of the choices private individuals make by asking what if he had requested for the robot to fall in love with him but didn’t. Would the weight of judgement be the same?

My favorite are the ones about love.

I wouldn’t doubt that this book will end up being a classroom reading assignment. I hope it doesn’t (there’s a story about that, actually). There is so much to pick and reflect on that it can speak to generations now and in the future. I want to buy a bunch of copies and pass them out to young readers because I feel there is much to learn from this book. A lot of critical analysis has gone into every story. If I were to ever think of writing something such as Novak has, I would pass out. His work and writing skills seem to be effortless, but nonetheless impacting.

Conversations With The Self

have you ever had three conversations going on in your head all at once? How about four or… 1,000?

You know that little voice inside your head? I have one too and it has a name; BJ. I remember I was around 11 or 12 when I finally decided on a name. It’s like it was yesterday* cue in harp and clouds and a fade out from reality*: I was listening to a CD on my newly gifted boombox and having a conversation with said voice. I got annoyed that I couldn’t address the voice in my head by name, so after much thought I decided on BJ. It’s a girl, by the way.

Blah blah blah. The point of my post is:

Lately I’ve been having thoughts about my future that are not as simple as they used to be. Thoughts on my financial stability, the current situation being the culprit, my status as a long distance girlfriend, the possibility of moving back to my home state or moving further into the Pacific Northwest, marriage (it matters to me outside of religious reasons), kids (would I welcome the change my body will go through?), and the lack of discipline I have on mostly everything I do in my life. I’ll be well into my late twenties by mid this year and that’s also a scary thought. Is it true that your thirties is the hardest decade? What are stats on that? Get them to me. Pronto.

Then thoughts on mundane things float around in my head that BJ desperately wants to address. For example, I set a book reading challenge to 20 books this year. For some stupid reason it’s stressing me out. I also didn’t complete a 30  day workout challenge thanks to my menstrual cramps this cycle. I would have been done this week. I’m also thinking about all the things and places I want to go while I’m living outside California and… I can’t take it!

All these thoughts turn into full on back and forth conversations between BJ and I. Sometimes I have to shake my head to refocus on the task at hand. Sometimes BJ is not even part of the conversation, it’s just me talking to myself. Here’s a recurring one:

am I truly happy in my relationship? I mean if I wasn’t why would I be in it? What if because I’m asking these questions it means that I’m not? If I share these thoughts with him would he understand? I would tell him why I feel this way and at the end of the day I can’t force him to be someone he’s not. I want sweet nothings. He’s … practical? Maybe cheap or selfish. I deserve better. Why can’t I look for better? I feel guilty for thinking this way because he might not even know that he’s doing wrong by my definition. No. Fuck that! He should know how I am based on our talks. But I also should know how he is and it’s just me putting up with it. I never thought I’d be this girl.

here’s another one:

my year on this current job contract is up in 4 months. I have to decide to stay longer (would it be forever?), move to a big city further North or go back home? But what if back home has nothing? Close to home would mean about a couple of hours away or three to four (better than 12 I suppose). I said I wouldn’t ask him to move with me after our last talk regarding my status; I hope he does though. If he doesn’t its a sign- we’re not meant to be. I would love to move to a bigger city. That means more expenses. That means moving to the bigger city expenses. That means I need to have good money saved up. I fucken don’t have shit saved up. I don’t want credit problems- I’ve just cleared that mess up. If he moves with me… what will he bring to the table? Can it work? I really don’t mind being the bread-winner. We work well together. I can see it. I have to apply, interview, get selected BEFORE I start thinking about all of this. Gah! Why am I even… really, girl? I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. In four months.

I’ve felt like I can’t catch a break. It’s constant and incessant. I’m afraid I’ll bring on another anxiety attack with all these conversations. The universe knows I wouldn’t be able to handle that right now.

Como dice mi Nina, “que Dios me libre.”