Swarm

This is about my vanity, my egotism, my arrogance and how I have ignored all of it for a long time now; longer than usual. My thoughts are swarming and I have been seeing them come at a distance and now they are all over me. I can’t ignore them anymore.

I hate to make this about appearance but it’s the first thing I see every morning after I walk my fat-ass into the bathroom and the huge mirror reflects my visibly fat ass back at me. It’s not a nice fat ass, it’s a ginormous fat ass that indicates my lack of self-care. I don’t know what’s more important anymore – my mental health or my physical appearance? Maybe they are both equally important and I just can’t do both. Excuses. A swarm of excuses. I wave them off violently because they are a distraction of my state of not giving a fuck.

This is my header quote on my Instagram page: It is more necessary to heal the soul than the body, for to die is better than to live a bad life. – Epictetus Enchiridion

Then why am I being swarmed by these thoughts and emotions? Is it because I don’t feel I’m living a good life that I am focused on how I’m not healing my body? And because I’m focused on how I’m not healing body that I am feeling defeated and gross about how I look? What comes first? What should come first?

Goal: happiness

via Daily Prompt: Swarm

Madly Chasing Peace: How I Went From Hell to Happy in Nine Minutes a Day by Dina Proctor – Book Review

I’m currently reading 10% Happier : How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works- A True Story by Dan Harris. Man that was a mouth-full. It reminded me much of this other book I read (read the title of this post) that was recommended to me by my younger sister. Below is the review I wrote on goodreads.

Almost done with 10% Happier … so I’ll be reviewing that shortly

Mady Chasing Peace

If I’m correct in my thoughts about this being my first self-help book then I’m so happy that this has been my first. For almost a year I have tapped the waters of meditation, higher conscious, and what may seem like atheism but its what I believe to be connecting to spirituality rather than a defined God or religion.

The part of the book that resonates loudest to me is when she quotes Jack Canfield on living life with the emergency break on. I am still driving with the break on and so many times I’ve reached to release but moved away. I believe that now, with Dina’s experience in my literary canon, I can begin to reach, grab, and release that break. The negative thoughts that have held me back have been what others might think. But as long as I find that connection with my being’s center I know now that I will be OK. I shan’t be afraid- only free.

I cannot believe how much I love this book, Dina’s experiences, and what can become of me when I apply and play the games. I’ve heard and read about many similar experiences but felt skeptical- almost as if the individuals going through them were telling fantasies. I believe that I felt this way because I was feeling jealousy of the control and freedom they had on their thoughts and lives. I’m ready to be centered.

Writing this review/self-reflection almost feels unnatural; not only because I’ve never written a review on any other book without feeling I HAD TO, but because I feel like everything that is being transcribed is happening on auto. I just felt compelled to write a about it and well, there it is.

*written 2/4/2013

Love Is A Constant Theme

As of late many of the blogs I follow have been about love. Whether it’s the search for it, living in it, forgetting it, or just appreciating it.

The one that gets me the most is finding it, keeping it, and it loving you back.

I have the love of family, a few friends, but not the love of the one. The love that I want the most, the love I want to feel is elusive, absent, stubborn.

I am in love. I am deep in love. I hate Love for not loving me back. I want Love to engulf me- to treat me the same way- to reciprocate.

My definition is not so different than the universal one. But sometimes I guess my expectations are too high. All I ask of Love is to put itself in the center of me just the same way I have put it at the heart of my being.

I eat at its feet. I breathe its air. And I swim in its water. Am I hopeless? Am I blind to its cruelty?

People say that I’ll find it once I stop searching; once I stop thinking about it. But that’s how I got where I am now. Before I knew it I was already making Love my priority. I was already making Love my only thought- I was deep in a sweet, twisted fantasy. Correction: I AM deep in a sweet, twisted fantasy.

I want Love to say I love you back. Because I’ve said it twice already. Maybe I want Love just to say it doesn’t love me and possibly that will make me walk away. But I am a sucker for the ifs in life.

Love, I hate loving you with so much ardor, with so much tenacity, with so much vigor.

Love, I love that I love you.

One Disadvantage of Being Me- Or Is It?

I have always had a high sexual drive. It’s never felt wrong until about recently.

Growing up I spent a lot of time with my grandmother. I spend weekends, school holiday breaks, and vacations with her. She lived with my uncles and throughout time their families and girlfriends. With my uncles being young at the time they had cable channels I would not have had access to at home- and the “black box”.

I was at the cusp of ending primary school and entering secondary school. One day I was flipping through channels and some soft porn was playing. Based on movies that showed partial nudity and having adults around me tell me to look away I felt I needed to look away at this too. But I couldn’t. I kept flipping back and forth to catch a glimpse of what was happening next. I like watching porn.

In order to have me not get yelled at by my grandpa my grandma would tell me to just go watch t.v. in my uncle’s room- the only room not connected to any other bedroom or room in the house- the best room in the house if you asked me. I would go and watch random teenager stuff. But then I would lock the door and find the channel that always had soft porn playing. It was always a woman playing with herself and sometimes there would be another woman joining in. I liked it. I enjoyed it. I began exploring my body and my sexuality.

I lost my virginity at around age 18. I met this guy through a co-worker I met in my freshman year of college. We went out and apparently I was not like any other girl he’d met before. He asked me to go out with him again and I said yes. On our second date he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. He took me out on Valentine’s day and in the back of his Honda Civic we had sex. I broke up with him over the phone about a week later. The relationship lasted a whopping 3 weeks.

To be honest, I’m not ashamed of the fact that I didn’t even know his last name. I’ve always felt comfortable with myself. It was a good while until the next time a had sex with someone else because I had the comfortability of knowing my body and knowing how to please myself from an early age.

However comfortable I am/was it’s not the case now. I have come to question myself so much this last year and a half. The difference is that the desire for sex is not only linked on a physical attraction, but on an emotional level. Sex to me is no big deal as long as we’re both being safe and smart about it. But now I am fully committed emotionally and it just ups the ante in my sexual drive. I have come to feel as if I’m begging for sex. I haven’t come across any other woman who has begged for it. Am I an exception?

The relationship (which shall not have a label) I’m in has been difficult for me in many aspects. I feel disposable at times which is a pretty shitty feeling, I’ve given too much of myself too soon, and I’ve put this guy on a pedestal. It took some time for him to warm up to me and my yearning passion toward him, I guess. After some time we finally surpassed the bases of sexual physicality and got to home plate and in a way I’m OK with that, but I just want to be at home plate, it seems, more often than the other player.

Has the information I’ve been receiving about guys and sex been slightly off? Is he an exception to the rule? What is the rule?

It’s gotten to the point where I’ve gotten upset. UPSET that touching, rubbing, kissing, sucking, etc… doesn’t lead to sex and the box of condoms just sits there unopened!

Is it me? Am I too hypersexual?

I believe sex is an integral part of any relationship and it’s getting to be a total burden on me- thinking that there might be something wrong with me or with him. I just don’t get it. We’ve somewhat talked about it in the past, but I think it’s time to have this conversation again. I need answers dammit… and well, you know what else I need? Yup, you guessed it.

In retrospect, I think because of the personal emotional level I’ve come to reach with him, I have let my sexual inhibitions on the wayside. I’ve never felt more comfortable and compatible. The lights can stay on, there are no side-thoughts of anything while we’re in the moment. The eye contact is not awkward. The position doesn’t matter because I enjoy it every which way.

GAAAHD! what is it?

Singledom

I’m single. But, I’m currently emotionally and physically and intimately attached to someone. Does that make me truly single or just not available? How does that work? Not sure, but it’s the situation I find myself in right now.

Unlike in an exclusive relationship he has no obligation to me. He doesn’t have to do anything for me or with me that he doesn’t want to. And that is exactly how he is with me. I am seeking him. I am asking him about his availability, his plans, his day,.. He has become a part of me. Nothing soothes me if he’s not there. Beyond his kisses, the sun, the stars- I am with him in every distant space.

How can I give someone up when that person is the only one I want? But since he doesn’t want me and what I have offered him can be taken for granted, the longing hope dies since having everything I cannot give him any of it.

Maybe it’s just me that sees a future with him. Maybe only I see the possibilities of how compatible we are. How it is possible that two people being completely themselves do not see each other the same way?

Considering the reality of things I’m afraid I’ll always be single- or at least the girl that’s there but not worthy enough for commitment. Do I make it that easy? You know, to brush off, to ignore, to be OK without? Have any of you seen this quote (I’m sure you have):

No pierdas tiempo, en quien no lo valora. No pierdas mensajes, en quien no los contesta. No pierdas tu amor, en quien no lo merece.

Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t value you. Don’t waste messages to whom doesn’t answer them. Don’t waste your love on someone who doesn’t deserve it.

The above or something along those lines. You’ve read it, heard it, felt it, believed it, right? I believe in my self enough sometimes to follow through with this sentiment because I know I am worthy of someone’s love. I know I deserve much better treatment than what I am getting from him. But how can I allow someone new to come in when he hasn’t left my heart, my mind, my everything?

Then I think that I should focus on me. Just me. No involvement with anyone. Appreciate me. Get to know me. Be selfish. This is the time when not wanting something gets you what you want, right? Does that make sense?

I guess I’m just not available right now for anyone. Be it as stupid as it may. Not interested. I’m waiting for the impossible. Misery loves company. I get what I put in- well not in this case, but you catch my drift.

#foreveralone on the outside. In my mind I’m taken by an unappreciative person. I’m taken by someone who cares for me part time and I find reasons to believe it’s OK when deep down inside of me I know it’s not. I am not as strong as I make myself to be. I don’t want to be forever alone.